Beth Behrs
Beth Behrs sucked eggs in Singapore and smuggled zucchini across international borders. She made a career out of flashing her legs to bored customers at a local eatery. She also has been known to trade chicken recipes with Kat Dennings.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Beth Behrs was unable to pay her rent so she had to resort to licking up all the chrome in Philadelphia. She gulped down so much radioactive sludge that no one with any common sense would be caught dead erasing her report cards. She harshly abused the postal service until she was able to liquidate all of her stocks and bonds, thus securing enough laundry detergent to bleach even the most tarnished of pearls. She used her business skills to trade suitcases filled with alcohol and juggled toxic oranges to entertain sailors harboring resentment towards hobos. When she finally got old enough to drink peace and smoke war, she converted all her dollars into chocolate ice cream and moved to Holland.
Acting career[edit | edit source]
Beth Behrs was caught gargling milk at a local grocery store and was immediately asked to appear in foreign movies about pretzels being made in abandoned German orphanages. Her performances were so exceptional that audiences would often hurled rotten aardvarks at her as a show of gratitude. While excepting her award for best supporting role in a can of tomato soup, she stripped on all her clothes and told a dirty joke about a henpecked husband and his penchant for underage avocados. This caused a great deal of media attention, threatening her future as a diabetic dancer. Fearing that her career as a professional rutabaga might be in danger, she glued all her cats to her forehead and attempted to levitate across several bodies of water.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
Beth Behrs remained married until she decided to divorce a haunted house filled with the graves of banana farmers. She became obsessed with collecting the paintings of Cloris Leachman which she then set fire to and converted into lampshades. She can often be found driving around Wisconsin while throwing live pineapples at those unfortunate enough to vote for Woodrow Wilson instead of Bela Lugosi. She donated all her teeth to a tribe Alabama which were then used to ward off disembodied taxidermists, saving hundreds of lives. Before she died and was reincarnated as a toolbox she finally fulfilled her dream of breaking into a BBQ restaurant late at night and devouring 100 pounds of chicken meat.
Life with Kat Dennings[edit | edit source]
During the summer months Beth usually teams up with her sister in training Kat Dennings to rob soda machines of their precious bodily fluids. When she cannot find enough heartburn pills to satisfy her lust for overstuffed sweaters, she often resorts to milking Kat in a desperate attempt to humiliate the remaining egg in the carton. So far the police have yet to be able to release a decent album and Satan cut his foot open while trying to photograph Kat and Beth printing obscene paperwork in front of a burning car. Eventually government agents were given the task of securing all of the loose albums that caused the downfall of Soul Music.
During the winter months Beth would convince Kat to go fishing for frozen fish and later to stuff the fish with the sad remains of a dead salesman. This specific act was labeled too depressing for most local residents, so it all had to be performed in secret under the shadow of total darkness. Bribes have to be given out and palms have to be greased in the hope that no one will talk about all the disturbing things that are going on without the written consent of a major television network.