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Somewhere off the coast of modern day Lesotho
Several millennia ago there was an island never set foot upon by man. It was called The Isle of Cranch. Cranch was inhabited by a gaggle of amphibious octopi who went about their peaceful business soaking up the rays of the sun and eating cupcakes and sundaes. Cranch was governed by an all knowing pterodactyl who called himself Scrubs. Scrubs was a just leader and maintained the peace on the Isle of Cranch. He delivered swift but merciful justice to anyone who stepped out of line, which was a very rare occurrence since the population of octopi was generally very amiable. There would occasionally be a scuffle over missing cupcakes, but all in all, Cranch was a delectable place to live. Until the day had come… the day that would forever go down in the history of Cranch…
One day two particularly young and mischievous octopi by the names of Bixie and Feldman sneaked out of their hovel after dark to go to the shore and skip stones. Bixie was a silly bulbous fellow with purple skin and purple eyes. He was well liked by all of his peers and always loved to crack jokes. Feldman was an outcast among his peers as he was albino. Yet, once someone got to know Feldman, shy as he was, he was also known to be kind and generous. Feldman was very timid, and he was hesitant to follow his friend Bixie into trouble. Bixie, however, was one of the most convincing octopi you’d ever meet.
"Are you sure this is a good idea, Bixie?" inquired Feldman.
“Bixie, when have I ever let you down? All we’re gonna do is have a little fun. No one is going to get hurt. I swear it. When have I ever been wrong?”
“What about that time when you tried to bake bubble gum pie and ended up making my tentacles get all stuck together?” Feldman protested, “I couldn’t swim for three days, and it took gallons of peanutbutter to get myself unstuck.”
“Enough,” Bixie interrupted, “There’s no bubble gum involved this time. We’re just going to go by the shore and skip some stones.”
“If anything happens, I’m blaming you,” retorted Feldman.
“Fine by me, because nothing will,” said Bixie. So the two friends slithered toward the shore and started skipping stones into the sea. Bixie was a much more proficient stone skipper, as he once skipped a stone for 18 whole skips. Usually whenever Feldman tried, he got one or two skips. More often than not, he just hurled stones into the sea and they’d disappear under the surface with a ‘Plunk!’
“Watch this. This stone is super smooth and flat. I bet I can make it go a mile out to sea!” boasted Bixie, showing off his find.
“Yeah right,” said Feldman with an ever so sassy tone. Bixie grasped the stone in a suction cup in one tentacle, raised it over his head, spun it around six times, and let go. The stone was released like a rocket and upon contact with the water skipped 21 times—a new record—before plunging into the sea.
“Impressive,” said Feldman.
“HA! Did you see that?! I’m a champ-” but before Bixie could finish bragging, there was a loud roar and a thousand bubbles emerged from beneath the ocean right where Bixie’s stone had finally sunk.
“What the heck was that?!” Feldman yelled, “I knew this was a bad idea, let’s get home.”
“Holy… I don’t know what’s happening…” said Bixie worriedly, “It was just a small stone.” Just then, a huge figure 15 feet tall emerged from the water, and after that another, twice the size followed.
“RUN!!!” screamed Feldman. And so they ran—or squirmed rather, because they are octopi. They arrived at their village panting, it was 4:00 in the morning, so no one else was awake. They went to the palm tree in the center of the village where Scrubs, the all-knowing pterodactyl resided.
“Scrubs! Scrubs!” The two juvenile octopi shouted to the sleeping winged dinosaur in the tree.
“WHAT?!” Scrubs shouted back, “I’m trying to sleep here. What time is it?” Bixie and Feldman told Scrubs everything that had happened that night, and upon hearing, Scrubs displayed a look of panic on his face that no one had seen before. Scrubs held his composure all of the time, but now he appeared to be freaking right out. “We are all doomed. You have awoken Fob and Nob, the cursed rock golems of G’hlock who have been sleeping for centuries beneath the waves. They are from the nether region, and the prophesies tell of one day when they will wake up and destroy everything in their paths. And then they will ressurect their master. You have damned us all.”
“I’m awful sorry,” apologized Bixie.
“Apologies will do us no good. We must act quickly. I will fly for the mainland and seek help. Elsewise, Cranch will be destroyed, and then the world will follow. Wake up the village and prepare our defenses.” As he finished talking and began to fly away for reinforcements, the sun began to rise, revealing two giant figures slowly lumbering toward the village with evil intent.
Centuries before any octopus ever set tentacle on the Isle of Cranch, there was a demon by the name of G’hlock who ruled the Island with cruelty and malice. He kept tight control over his domain by using his evil rock golem servants, Fob and Nob. Fob was smaller and white while Nob was a giant black golem with the strength of a thousand oxen. One day, the demon, G’hlock was defeated by the ancient champions and his soul was confined into a gem that was buried deep deep beneath the sands of Cranch. G’hlock’s last command was for his servants to wait under the sea until the time was right. And when they’d awaken, they would unearth the gem in which the soul of G’hlock was confined, resurrecting him once more so he could take over the entire planet! And now, the golems had been disturbed, with one purpose…
Fob and Nob were getting closer as everyone in the octopus village was starting to wake up. Bixie and Feldman went from hovel to hovel shouting and hooting about the danger they were all in. By the time the rock golems were in view, everyone had gathered in the town center. Bixie got onto a large boulder and made an announcement to the townspeople.
“We are in grave danger. Our way of life has been disturbed by demonic powers, and there is nothing we can do to fight back! We have no choice but to flee.”
“What about Scrubs?!” Someone called out, “Where is he? He can help us!”
"This is beyond Scrubs. Scrubs has flown to the mainland to get help. This is out of our hands. It will take a true champion to defeat these creatures. For now we must run,” Feldman announced. And so they all scurried away onto the other side of the island abandoning their homes. On the distant shore, all of the octopus citizens started to swim towards the murky depths of the sea where the golems couldn’t find them.
“This is all my fault,” said Bixie, “I’ve ruined Cranch and the lives of all of our friends and family.”
“It will all be over soon. Scrubs will find some heroes to rescue us. I know it.”
Sixteen miles away from Cranch, on the mainland, Scrubs had arrived at the port city of Mythros, an independent self-governed hub of trade and business. All kinds of races and species lived here or took up temporary residence. From all corners of the world, people came to buy and sell goods and services including warriors looking to make some coin by displaying their strength and mettle.
Scrubs landed on a dock and perched upon a pole. “Everyone! I need your attention,” he cried, “If someone doesn’t act quickly, every one of you is in danger. The end is nigh unless a champion among you is brave enough to follow me to the Isle of Cranch and defeat monsters—monsters bent on destroying the world!”
“Blech, get out of here, you rat with wings!” a passing sailor, a faun, scoffed at Scrubs, “enough of your delusional rants.”
“G’hlock will be awoken before the sun sets this evening! I swear on all the gods,” Scrubs insisted.
Now, a passing sell sword duo, a human and a centaur were relaxing eating apples, a few meters away from Scrubs.
“What was that part about G’hlock, there Pterodactyl?” one of them, the centaur, asked.
“G’hlock is going to be awoken once more by his servants who have been awoken from their long sleep,” answered Scrubs, glad to have someone taking his plea seriously.
“Come with us,” commanded the centaur. The centaur and the human took off at a hasty pace, and Scrubs followed on their heels.
“Do you know of G’hlock?” asked Scrubs.
“Know of him? My ancestor was one of the champions who defeated him the first time, so many years ago. G’hlock is a villain notorious to my entire lineage. I will do my duty, and help you stop him. My name is George. This is my partner, Delaware.” Delaware bowed. “We are pleased to make your acquaintance.
“I am Scrubs. I reside on the Isle of Cranch which is inhabited mainly by octopi. Thanks to some mischief, the wretched servants of G’hlock were disturbed and are as we speak are locating the gem in which G’hlock is dormant. We need to hurry and stop this from happening.”
“I have a rowboat we can take to your island, and confront them,” suggested Delaware.
“Excellent,” said Scrubs just as the three were taking a turn down an alley way. Out of sight from anyone on the streets, George opened a massive door encrypted with runes.
“Follow,” said George as he descended into the cellar of what appeared to be a tavern. The stairs led to a room filled with giant leather-bound tomes. Against the walls were staffs, all of them tangled roots tipped with different colored gems. “These are artifacts that once belonged to my ancestors. “Those Golems cannot be defeated with meager swords or axes,” he said, “no… for this we will require magic.”
Dozens of terrified octopi submerged themselves into the dark depths of a trench less than a quarter mile off shore on the opposite side of the island from where the stone golems had emerged. The last two to hide were Bixie and Feldman.
“I think everyone has been accounted for,” Stated Feldman.
“Look you can see the golems even from this far away. They are in our village,” said Bixie, bobbing at the surface with only his eyes above the waterline. They couldn’t be spotted by even the keenest eye from the island. Even from their vantage point the destruction of their village and home was an extraordinary spectacle. Fob, the smaller of the two, charged head-first into the walls of thatched roof cottages and left them nothing but dust. Nob, the behemoth brought his entire leg back so far, his foot almost touched the back of his horrible stone head. And then released, punting entire cottages across the village, and by the time they landed, they were completely disintegrated. The worst part was the fire. From Nob’s eyes bursted the most horrid flame the octopi had ever seen. Like lasers, beams of fire left everything in their vision ashes. And when the village of the octopi was nothing but a heap of smoldering dust, the two golems uprooted Scrubs tree with incredible ease, and started digging beneath, looking for something in the earth. Something awful, something that would bring about mass destruction. The soul of G’lock.
Bixie and Feldman did not stick around to see any more. Instead, they dove down to follow the rest of the octopi of Cranch, hoping someone strong enough would come to defeat the wretched evil that had been awoken. Directly below them was a trench that the octopi of Cranch had always known about. The trench was deep and safe, and was an effective place to evacuate to. Sixty feet below, Bixie and Feldman caught up with the others at the very bottom.
"We need volunteers to serve as scouts with us," announced Feldman, "we should be safe, but with such danger so close, there are precautions we must take."
"Here! Let me help you!" shouted an eager girl octopus of an age with Bixie and Feldman. Her name was Banjo, and Feldman recognized her, or more than recognized her. In octopus school, Feldman had always had a crush on Banjo; she was sleek and a beautiful shade of aqua. He didn't, however, ever gain the courage to ask her out, and even exchanging words with her made him shaky in the knees. Or... well shaky in the tentacles.
"Banjo, thanks for the offer, but-" Bixie was interrupted by Feldman.
"Please, yes. Help us Banjo. We'd love your... er. company," Feldman blushed(which was really obvious, since he was albino.) The three young octopi floated to the surface and kept an eye on the shoreline to assure no evil made its way to the trench. Feldman tried to make small talk with Banjo, which he found easier than usual. There was something about leading his friends to safety that gave him confidence. "Glad you came to accompany us," Feldman said, "the more eyes the better... wait did you guys hear that?"
"Hear what?" Asked Banjo. There was a muffled siren noise coming from below them.
"I hear it too," said Bixie, "what could possibly be beneath us? Lets go check it out." Bixie, Feldman and Banjo went down to the ocean's floor and quickly located the source of the noise. There was a great red rectangle with wheels gliding along the floor of the sea.
"What in the name of The Netherlands is that?!" Bixie shouted.
"I've never seen anything like it," said Banjo.
"Is it dangerous?" asked Feldman.
"To hell if I know, but we should get a better look," suggested Bixie. They slowly and cautiously approached the mysterious object. Upon getting closer they noticed a human operating it. He saw them approaching and exited his rectangular vehicle.
"Who godes there!? Behemoth flowers. Smack it twice!" the stranger announced.
"Excuse me?" asked Bixie, "who are you?"
"My name is Vulva Stew. But you may call me Vulvy. I come here from another time and land. I am here to scantily clad daffodils." Vulvy, the strange man, replied.
"Well Vulvy, what are you doing here? And how are you breathing underwater?" inquired Feldman. The octopi were quite baffled.
"Germans," explained Vulvy. No furhter questions were asked. The octopi took this as an invitation to enter the vehicle. Vulvy followed, sat in the drivers seat, and drove off.
Back on the mainland, the heroes and Scrubs were about to set sail in their rowboat. They were to sail straight for Cranch, in hopes of reaching it before the golems could unearth evil gem of doom and despair and all those other threatening sounding words that begin with 'd'. Death. Yeah that's one. Daphne... Disc golf. Dinner... Dongopongo, and probably Spoons. The three adventurers took off from the dock. Delaware was perched on the stern of the ship wielding a banner bearing a decomposed dolphin. He began to shout.
"Excuse me?" asked Scrubs.
"That's his battle cry," explained George, "I forgot to mention that Delaware is actually totally insane and prone to hurt someone or himself at any given moment."
"BOY SCOUTS ARE GO!"
"This could prove to be a problem," said Scrubs.
"It usually is," admitted George, "but it's also entertaining. This one time we were hiding from a band of bandits that were in a band called the Rubber Band Bandits Who Wear Bandages. They are cannibals. But, yeah, we were hiding in some bushes when Delaware decided to run out and scream 'Jaffar Jaffar. Keep me wet from afar."
"What happened," Scrubs asked.
"Well at that time, we were a crew of six sell swords. The other four were promptly killed and eaten when Delaware revealed our location. That was last night actually."
"That's a serious issue, you know. The fate of the world is in our hands, and we are dealing with a dimwit."
"Good point," said George, right before impaling Delaware with his spear and dumping his body into the ocean. The water where his body landed soon began to turn red, and a swarm of five sharks gathered. One of the sharks peaked his head above the sea and said, "Hey bro, thanks, dude. How can we ever repay you? We haven't eaten in weeks."
Another shark briefly lifted his head from gnawing on Delaware's thigh. "Yeah seriously. You're such a bro. Like for real, this was super chill of you. We'd love to do you a favor."
"Actually now that you mention it, me and this dinosaur bird are trying to save the world from being destroyed by a bunch of rock creatures. Think you could help?" suggested George.
"Yeah totally. We'll join you for real dude," the first shark replied, "just wait until we finish eating this dude." So Scrubs and George sat there while Delaware was brutally torn to pieces. When the sharks were done, all five of them climbed aboard the ship. They all had human arms and legs, and could also breathe air. They all sat quitetly picking their teeth for the rest of the boat ride to Cranch.
Meanwhile, on the island, not a soul was left on Cranch except for the two rock golems. Except they don't really have souls, so we can't truly count them can we? Except, we are going to take a look at what the golems are up to, because they are the only characters in the story who we haven't had a third person point of view from. And I bet you don't know a whole lot about how rock Golems interract. They actually communicate telepathically, so I can't write their conversations from another character's point of view. I bet you didn't know that.
Well aren't we just rock golem experts, eh?
Oh you want me to get back to the story then?
Yeah cause you're writing it, right? I guess you make all the calls... Just kidding. I do.
And since I make the calls, I'm going to tell you a story about something that happened to me while walking down the street a couple weeks ago. So I was walking down the street....
hold on I have to go to the bathroom. Be right back.
K back. So as I was saying... I was walking down the street when I passed a man who farted very loudly. He looked like he was probably a Swede because when I poked him in the eye he shoes waffles big mouth boy.
"Guh," said Nob telepathically to Fob telepathically. "Buh," said Fob back to Nob also telepathically.
Then they proceeded to shatter into seven and a half trillion pieces of rubble, apparently forgetting their original intent of uncovering the soul gem.
Cranch was then swallowed by the sea. And with Cranch, all of the unnamed octopi were swallowed as well, or at least that's what the history books say, since no one ever heard from them again.
You know... sometimes you have to get rid of inconsequential characters by killing them off in bulk.
Somewhere along the bottom of the ocean, Bixie, Feldman, Banjo, and Vulvy were speeding along in a fire engine. Vulvy was screaming 'Camptown Races' really loudly, and his passengers were starting to get annoyed.
"I'd appreciate it if you'd tone down the singing, Mister Craziman," implored Feldman.
"Yeah seriously. You aren't even in pitch," added Banjo.
"...CAMPTOWN RACES SING THE SONG DOOOOO DAH DOOO DAh. CRAMPTROWN TRACES ROBERT STRONG BOO BAH BOOO BAH STAMP DOWN FACES ALL ALONG POOPAW POOPAW-" Bixie whacked Vulvy on the back of the head with his tentacle. Vulvy unhinged his jaw and started making zebra noises all while keeping his foot down on the pedal and speeding at ludacris speeds. Suddenly, the wheels of the truck lifted from the ocean floor. The truck began to turn vertical and head straight for the surface of the water.
"What's happening?" asked Banjo.
Vulvy turned to look at Banjo, and continued to make obnoxious zebra noises. Then he dissolved, and disappeared completely. The three octopi were hurling toward the surface in a fire truck, and there was nothing they could do.
"WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" Shouted Feldman.
"HOLD ON TIGHT! There's something at the surface! WE'RE GONNA HIT IT STRAIGHT ON!" warned Bixie.
Meanwhile, directly above the terrified eight tentacled sea creatures (hey that'd be a good name for my next spoken-word album), five sharks, a centaur, and a pterodactyl were rowing as fast as they could toward an island that no longer existed to stop some rock golems that no longer existed from unearthing a soul gem that may or may not have ever existed.
"Cranch should be in our view by now... where are we?" questioned Scrubs.
"We are sailing in the ocean, sir." responded George.
"Yes. I know that. But this should be my home. We must have gone adrift. What are we going to do?"
"Keep sailing most likely. Or die from exposure eventually. Want to play a game of Go Fish?" inquired George.
"Why don't we sing some sea shanties?" suggested one of the sharks.
"Oh yes, I do love sea shanties," said another.
"Yes. Let us do that." said a third shark.
"Sea shanties it is!" rejoiced the fourth shark.
The fifth shark was a mute, so he didn't say anything. He just lifted his beefy man arms into the air and clapped twice.
"But I wanted to play Go Fish," complained George.
"Why don't we sing sea shanties about the game Go Fish?" said Scrubs, trying to compromise. And so they did. And it was grand.
"Oh all the young maidens with fair hair and toes. Their fair skin is purple, and that's how it goes! Now if we have barnacles, and a wet pair of shoes, we'll play some Go Fish and drink all your booze!" And then all of a sudden, there was a massive collision. From beneathe the rowboat, came a firetruck! The two vehicles collided and created an explosion that could be seen from 234 meters away, sending three octopi, 5 singing sharks, a pterodactly, and a centaur rocketing toward the heavens. Beyond the clouds, beyond the atmosphere, and into outerspace they went... until they crashed into Mercury.... where they lived happily ever. For the rest of eternity, Bixie, Feldman, Banjo, Scrubs, George, and the five beefy-limbed sharks stared back at Earth telepathically communicating with every feline beast from afar, telling them to lick their crotches.
And that is why cats like to lick their nether regions.