Dear John letter

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Elton John's left lung

Thursday, Arply 26, 2018

Dear little green man,

By the time you read this, I'll be doing my "happy dance" naked, on the side of the M25 motorway. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I'm MOOVINNNG OOON UPPPP.

I know this might seem like a sudden change to you, seeing as we made all those plans to grow old, fat and senile together, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually.

I want to tell you that I think you're exceptionally undistinguished, in a boring, non-threatening way, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're an agnostic, and I'm vastly less intelligent than that. You like running about, scratching yourself publicly, and watching animal porn, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other people. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the hypnotism I'm paying for wears off.

I'd really like us to become road sweepers or something, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We've had some good times, or so we'll pretend.

Take care of yourself and never forget that I know where you buried the body, and won't hesitate to contact police should the need arise.

~ Name and address withheld.


P.S.: Make sure the kids steal from the Co-op.

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