Fairytale Exposé

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These sinister characters sold their distorted stories to Disney, they may appear warm and fuzzy but they're packing heat!

Cinderella[edit]

She actually had size ten hairy feet with fungal toenails.

Dumbo[edit]

He was advertising Virgin Air during the movie as a favour to Richard Branston, having previously consumed his premium millionaire peanuts.

Snow White[edit]

She was a ravid computer geek, living in a basement away from sunlight. She surfaces in the night to buy hard liquor and paper clips.

Beauty and the Beast[edit]

The "beauty" quite clearly had a bear/man crossbreed fetish.

Pinnochio[edit]

He was a puppet, the strings were edited out of the movie due to a low budget. When he "transformed" into a "real boy" what actually happened was the puppet was burned by angry mime artists and a small boy with a retractable nose had to take his place.

Lady and the Tramp[edit]

A much over-exaggerated account of a posh woman being mugged, adapted into dog-form to avoid law-suits and keep in with the strange Disney idea that dangerous animals are more friendly to children than people.

Repunzel[edit]

Had hair extensions, and a beard.

Fairy God Mother[edit]

Was actually a confused hawk trapped under a wrinkly-oldie-person-lookie-like bed sheet and holding a voice changer in its beak.

7 Dwarves[edit]

Kidnapped Snow White after her website spammed their computers.

The Big Bad Wolf[edit]

Was actually more often known as The Boring Law-abiding Wolf. He had asthma, smoked 50 cigarettes a day and being Jewish couldn't eat pork.

The three Little Pigs[edit]

They were cowboy builders who extorted pensioners by charging outrageous prices for terrible building work. Two of them were later killed by their shoddy building work after a disgruntled neighbour knocked on their doors causing their houses to collapse. The remaining pig eventually cleaned up his act; he has a wife and goes to church.

Little Red Riding Hood[edit]

An infamous chavette who's hoody is permanently stained red with the blood of her victims. She once stabbed an ASBO.

Grandma[edit]

Well known for her wolf-like characteristics and excess facial hair. Often reverts to cannibalism to survive.

Shrek[edit]

That's what happens if you eat the illogic pickle.

See also[edit]