Football

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Players of both teams work together against the anti-gravity ball.

Football is a game involving 22 men and a ball, unless it isn't in which case it becomes soccer and the 22 men are replaced by another set of 22 men, but this time with more padding and an American accent. This transition can often hurt the game physics, leading to bizarre errors occuring such as players trying to kick a ball that's not there or pedestrians spawning 4ft above the pitch. Later versions claim to have fixed this glitch, but this has only given rise to huge loading times that mean the ball might take a full 5 minutes to cross the line from a 3 yard tap-in.

Rules of football[edit]

  1. Release 22 players on a freaking big football field which was built with money that could be used to give food to starving people.
  2. The persons then chase after a peculiar, leathery, impudently round object known as 'ball'.
  3. Once they catch it, they immediately kick it away in disgust even though they just chased it like there's no tomorrow.
  4. If the ball goes between any of the eight white sticks, the umpire makes a weird Star Wars type gesture and you get some points.
  5. If the ball goes between the goalposts you get two or three points, depending on the rules of the game.
  6. If the ball goes into a net then a point is scored.
  7. If you hit the ball so hard that you burst it you get a million points.
  8. You can throw, kick, chest, header and even buttock the ball in a vain attempt to get it upfield.
  9. A wicket is taken when the stumps are broken or the player hits the ball to a fielder without it bouncing.

Well, I did warn you. Pundits and experts who spend most of their time analysing the game have concluded that nobody knows what the chickenbutt is going on.

Notable practitioners[edit]

  • Ronaldinho - he is an ugly so and so, but this is to be expected in such a brain meltingly strange game
  • Arseanal - a team which includes such big name stars as David Semen and Wankmo' Kanu.
  • Russian Football Team - crushing democracy one football team at a time.
  • North Korean Football team - Reigning champions of the World Cup for the past 400 years, straight from the Glorious land of our dear leader.