Haven't you heard the news?

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Haven't you heard the news? Don't tell me you haven't heard the news?! Why, it's all over the news, it is! Yes, the news is all over all the news; that's just how worthy it is of being news. Surely you must have heard by now. Don't you ever read the news?

You shouldn't have had to read the news, though. Everyone is talking about it - not just talking, but crying it from the rooftops. It's so wonderfully exciting! The most splendid piece of news there's been in twenty years! You'd think there hadn't been any news at all in those twenty years, that's just how incredibly marvellous this news is. Mind you, there really hasn't been any news, none at all. You'd think someone had gone and burnt all the news agencies to the ground, but in fact they must have burnt the news-makers to the ground; the media is still running around on a wild goose chase for news, but there just hasn't been any news. But now there is! There's news like we haven't seen in ages! Great steaming piles of news!

We've had this picture lying around for years without anywhere to put it. Now it, too, has been saved by the good news!

Of course you wouldn't understand how we old-timers feel about this. You're too young to know what news is. You grew up in the newsless age, never knowing the joy of coming upon a fresh piece of news all chewed on by the dog who so faithfully brought it to your feet, living a hell that knew no heaven. We felt so awful for you children, but now you are saved! Saved by the bell... er, the news!

What, you want to know what the news is? I'm shocked that you would ask such a thing. Absolutely flabbertybobulated. You shouldn't need to know what the news is to appreciate its significance; the mere fact of its being news ought to be enough for you. You young whippersnappers are always playing with the toys in the attic. No time to learn what's important in the world, oh, no.

But, if you insist on knowing...

I sneezed.