HowTo:Make a Bird Shut Up
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You obviously want to know: the look on your face says it all. So, here is how to make a bird shut up:
Things You'll Need
- Approach the bird cage.
- Bang the cage softly.
- Open the door of the cage.
- Yell at the top of your lungs, "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
- Repeat as necessary.
- It's best to do this while you still have a headache, and the bird is making a high pitched squawk.
- When the bird shuts up, reward the bird with the honey stick.
- If the bird won't shut up, eat the honey stick yourself. Honey induces calmness and sleep.
- If you haven't already eaten the honey stick, consider feeding it to the bird anyway. Honey induces calmness and sleep.
One Final Tip
- Do not beat the bird with the honey stick, as tempted as you may be.
But the Bird is Outside!
- Open a window and scream out of it instead.
- You're welcome.
Warnings Our Legal Advisors Insisted We Include
- Don't yell too loud if the bird is small.
- If the bird has a sharp beak don't bang the cage.
- If you violate warning #1, bury the bird under a nice tree, and mark the grave with a cross you made yourself out of popsicle sticks.
- If you violate warning #2, call an ambulance immediately before your finger starts turning green and growing fuzz.