How Things Work
I first took up the courage to explain to the world how things work when I was only the age of 8, the age that is ripe for catching a cold with a net; you may ask: How Do Things Work? Do goblins try to cook your feet in order to give you a massage or was the Hunchback Of Notre Dame a client in the massage chair company; did Aladdin advertise lamps? And how do they work? I took my precious time to write such precious things that are fragile that should not be brought into an airport.
How Does A Foot Massage Work
Well, you see it is very simple. VEEERY SIMPLE! The steps on how a foot massage works is shown below.
- Miniature goblins, the size of a miniature pie which is the size of a miniature ant which is the size of a miniature miniature, secretly ambush you from some bald guy's beard.
- They hold you hostage and attempt to tickle your feet with their spiky hair.
- This is not ticklish. A feather, or a 20 ton weight may be, but not spiky hair, spiky hair just makes your feet bleed.
- You think blood is Iron Man, yes, they look very similar.
- It feels GOOOOOOOD, doesn't it, Pauly?
- Nobody around you has the name Pauly.
- You feel sluggish, not slug-like but sluggish. Gish.
How Do Hunchbacks Work?
Yes, Hunchbacks, were invented by none other than Quasimodo and his brothers, Trisimodo, Duosimodo and Unomodo. They took turns hitting each other in the backs with gigantic logs until for unfortunate Quasihobo, I mean modo, his back was lodged in. He must have screamed, because it is a very painful procedure, my dear fellow. That was how the hunchback was invented, and Quasimodo sued his brothers, fileed 29 lawsuits, ate a hotdog and turned emo. Elmo!
- Take a big stick, a tree preferably, though you may get environmentalists after you, plotting a diabolic plan to kill you, together with Osama.
- Prepare a catapult with a big rubber band.
- Place the tree inside it.
- This is mission control, launch in 3...2....1
- Hopefully you do not die.
- If successful, receive 20gp and a bottle of spinach for your Hobopets account.
Aladdin; how he works
Yes, even Aladdin, your friendly neighbourhood spiderman, could be a robot. Yes, they are all around us.
- Talks British
- Eats spinach
- Barfs on foot
- Dies of cancer
Yes, the four symptoms of AIDS. (Aladdin's Ironic Disorder Syndrome)
Lamps; how they work
Why do I refer to lamps as they? Because they are alive!! They live among us!!! Under the codename of Aliens, Lamps hide in the shade, although it is usually bright around them, and ambush from beards yet again. Just like Goblins.
- A strange luminous wisp overshadows a poor lamp's soul. Yes, lamps are hobos. They live in boxes and kick cans down the street, claiming they are moving home.
- The lamp grows evil. No, he does not grow evil, he turns evil, you know grows a new face, two-headed things.
- It attempts to turn on it's diabolic power
- Fails, if there is no diabolic supply of diabolo juice.
- Some bearded guy comes along and attempts to eat it.
- In a rage, the lamp turns on.
- Global Warming.
That is how things work, oh no I dropped this article...and it broke. Oh well, there's always another day... unless Global Warming has happened, in which it has, because Al Gore turned on a lamp.
| Magnificent Madness
This article was one of the Top Ten articles of 2008.