I'll ask the questions here!

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I'll ask the questions here! is the game show everyone KNOWS AND LOVES!!! or possibly not know. Unlike other game shows, *cough* *cough* Are you smarter than a 5th grader? *cough* I'll ask the questions and you'll provide the answers!!! Or in other game shows, vice versa. SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Let's introduce ourrrrr CONTESTANTS!

No, not that show.

The Contestants[edit]

So here we are, face to face with our 10 contestants! And only 1 shall emerge victorious! And if lucky, alive... Our first contestant is....

Beverly Hills!!!. And that's her name apparently. 90210 is her house number. Apparently, it's also her phone number, bank account code, credit card number and number of time she's been....never mind.

And now for our second contestant....

Shnicker Von Froddersnodd!!! He comes from Germany, but was raised up in Russia!!! Also he likes saying "Oh, Shnicker." He most commonly uses it as a substitute for swearing, a sign of depression, or when he sees a shnicker. Although then it's more like "ooh a shnicker" but you get the point. Our third contestant is..

Boff Boreley! He went through numerous car crashes in his previous career as a stuntman, mostly doing stunts involving cars, nitroglycerine, and a careless individual who leaves a can of oil on the floor. He has also been through many fires. Possibly 90210, meaning he may be related to Beverly Hills. The person, i mean.

Sorm Guiy! He is apparently Chinese. Or not. Maybe he has a false passport. Cause that's what his passport says. Nationality: Russian Chinese. [1]

Zhang Fin Heiji. A chinese/japanese mixed guy who speaks fluent english. His occupation was a dancer, and he is never seen dancing without claws. Although he knows that this may put other people's lives in danger, he doesn't really care. And that's how he lost his job. The claws are sharp too.

Odder Contezdan! Possibly some nationality but no-one really knows. If you do know, CALL NOW! You have the chance of filling in his completely blank passport. Or is that his identity card... [2]

Sven Vodderfield. Born without a leg. That means he has one leg. Not none. Also born without an eye hence he wears an eyepatch to cover up that hole of nothingness. Mistaken for a pirate, and occasionally questioned wherever he goes. It's a mystery how he got a job working with ships...

Ninety Niner. That's not his real name but he prefers to be called it. When playing sports, always wears his No. 99 shirt hence he was given the name Ninety Niner. Given. He likes it though...strangely.

Carl Fran. Born without common sense or a personality. Maybe common sense is not so common....well at least in Carl Fran's family it isn't. The Frans have been known for not having a common sense. Why, even Great Grandpa Fran had no sense. Or senses...

Teller Gon. Born into a rich family, and lives in a mansion. Only does things that he considers fun. Very low IQ. Not that it matters. Unless you're playing I'll ask the questions here!.

So those are our ten contestants. Let's begin the show...but first the rules.

Rules[edit]

  • In every round, each contestant will be asked a question.
  • Successful answers lead to points. Consecutive successful answers lead to more points.
  • After the round, people with no correct answers will be eliminated. If there is only one person with incorrect answers, that is.
  • If there is more than 1 person with incorrect answers, they will be asked questions again and again until there is only 1 person left.
  • There are rules.
  • Disobeying the rules results in an anvil dropping on your head. Yes, we have anvils strapped to the ceiling with duct tape.
  • Don't take off the duct tape holding the anvils. Please. Life is important. To us, at least.
  • We care about your safety. Wait...is that a rule?
  • Those are all the rules.
  • You may start after the beep.
  • Wrong answers may result in death. May.
  • Answering back will result in death. Unless you answer back for the question.

Round 1[edit]

In round 1, wrong answers will not result in death. For round 1 at least.

BEEP!

START!


Question 1.

To Beverly Hills,

Question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Beverly: Er....Eleven?

Answer: As much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Beverly: WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?

Sorry, you answered back. Release the anvil. You have no seconds to dodge, particularly because you are standing on a pad coated with super glue.

WHACK!

Announcer: Beverly Hills has been eliminated.

The kind of anvil we use to kill people. Stainless steel!

Question 2

To Shnicker,

Question: What is your favorite game show?

Shnicker: Wait...do i zanser zis?

Answer: I'll ask the questions here!

Sorry, the answer is not Wait...do i zanser zis? it is I'll ask the questions here!

Shnicker: So it's I'll ask the questions here?

No, i'll ask the questions here. You answer them.

Shnicker: What kind of answer is that?!

The right one!

Shnicker: This sucks.

Hey, life sucks. No points for you.


Question 3

To Boff,

Question: Why is your face ugly?

Boff: Wait, are you trying to find out about my personal life? Gah, whatever...cause i was involved in many car crashes? Come on, that's gotta be right.

Answer: Because you were born with it.

Sorry, wrong answer.

Boff: Wait...I KNOW HOW MY FACE BECAME UGLY!!! It's not cause i was born with it!!! It was from CAR CRASHES! CAR CRASHES! CAR CRASHES!

Sorry, wrong answer.

Boff: I KNOW IT'S RIGHT!!!

Sorry, wrong answer.

Boff: I WILL KILL YOU!!!! I WAS NOT BORN WITH THIS FACE!!! LOOK, I HAVE PROOF!!!

Sorry, wrong answer.

Boff: GAAAAAH!!! I'm serious!!!! LOOK, SEE! PROOF!!! MY CHILDHOOD PHOTO!!!! I"M NOT UGLY!!! MY MOTHER SAID I WAS JUST GOING THROUGH "A STAGE"!!!

Sorry, wrong answer.

Boff: HAH! I SCOFF! WRONG ANSWER? I THINK NOT!!!

But i think so. Sorry, wrong answer. You are allowed to survive this round, because i'm nice to you. See, i'm a kind man.

Boff: NO YOU'RE NOT!!!

Sorry, wrong answer.


Question 4

To Sorm,

Question: How do you start a conversation?

Sorm: Well, i usually start them with a greeting.

Answer: "A Conversation" starts with A.

Sorm: What?! NO IT DOESN'T! It starts with a greeting!

No, because then it would be "A greeting conversation".

Sorm: Exac..Wait a minute...Is this a trick question?

Sorry, wrong answer.


Question 5

To Zhang,

Question: What is right?

Zhang: Look, claws! Oh right....your answers are!

Answer: The opposite of left.

Smart but wrong, but you get half a mark anyway.

Zhang: SWEET!!!

NO, it is not a sweet, it is half a mark.

Zhang: That's just an expression...

No, that's just a sweet.

Zhang: No, it's an expression.

Which apparently is a sweet. Sit down.


Question 6

To Odder,

Question: What sounds like a cow's udder?

Odder: Hmm.....(pin drops)....(bowling pin drops)....I don't know. I simply don't know. What does sounds like a cow's udder?

Answer: Your name.

No, "What" does not sound like a cow's udder, "what" sounds like "wart" more than it sounds like "udder".

Odder: YOUR NAME does not sound like a cow's udder. "Your name" sounds like "You're lame" or something like that.

No, i am not lame. Release the anvil hounds.

Odder: What hounds?

The hounds.

Odder: OH, those hounds.

(is eaten by hounds)

Announcer: Yup, those hounds. Oh, er...Odder has been eliminated.


Question 7

To Sven,

Question: How do you fit a dog in a pillow?

Sven: Hmm...good question. How do YOU fit a dog in a pillow? Well? How do YOU?

Answer: You can't.

Sven, let me tell you something. Don't doubt me. When you doubt me, baaaad things happen. The last time a guy doubted me, his face turned all distorted. I think his name was Michael Jackson or something. So anyway, don't doubt me. Baaad things happen. And, Sven, you can't fit a dog in a pillow.

Sven: Ya, maybe i can't. But can YOU?

You can't. Exactly. And remember, baaaad things can happen.

Sven: Well of course, bad things can happen. Doy. Everyone knows that.

*cough* *cough* Anyway, baaaad things can happen.

Sven: Ya i know that.

So don't doubt me.

Sven: Just show me that you can fit a dog in a pillow.

Bring me the hounds.

Sven: OK, there's a hound. NOW PROVE IT!!!

See this extremely large pillow. I can fit all 7 hounds in it.

Sven: Ah...ha...ha...

That changes the answer. The answer is now "Everyone except Sven can".

Sven: So did i lose that question or not?

Yes, you also doubted me so now bad things can happen.

Sven: Like what?

You know that super glue you're standing on? It's also oil. Oops, i dropped a match. Silly me.

Sven: Oh ya, you sure are sil...GAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

Sven survived but with major burns, but is still in the competition.

Drat.


Question 8

To Ninety,

Question: What comes after ninety nine?

Ninety: A hundred obviously.

Answer: A hundred.

Wrong answer.

Ninety: BUT I SAID A HUNDRED!!!

No, you said "a hundred obviously". The correct answer was "a hundred".

Ninety: But i was just stating that it was obvious!

Ah, now you're changing your answer! First you say it's "a hundred obviously" and now you're stating that the answer is "obvious"! What next?

Ninety: Er...i lose?

Yes. No points for you.

Ninety: You're so mean.

Yes. You are so mean.


Question 9

To Carl,

Question: How do you space out?

Carl: ...

Answer: CORRECT ANSWER! 1 POINT!

In all the episodes, not one person HAS EVER GOT A QUESTION COMPLETELY RIGHT!!! UNTIL NOW!!!! Possibly because this is the first episode. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO THAT????

Carl: i'm still thinking...er...

Uh...you got it correct.

Carl: Really? is that good?

Possibly.

Carl: Am i supposed to do something now?

Yes, return to your seat while we add up the scores.

Carl: What seat?

That seat near the wall.

Carl: Oh, the one that says (squints) You have got a question correct!. That seat?

Yes, that seat.


Question 10

To Teller,

Question: What is the difference between a sheep and sheep?

Teller: Uh...one is singular, and one is plural?

Answer: One is two words, the other is one.

Sorry, wrong answer.

Teller: AREN'T I CORRECT TOO???

Yes, but wrong answer.

Teller: DON'T I AT LEAST GET SOMETHING???

...Well actually you should.

Teller: YES! WHAT???

Death. Release the hounds on an anvil.

WHACK! MAUL!

Announcer: Teller Gon is eliminated. YAY!

And that's all of Round 1. Now for the scores!


Scores For Round 1[edit]

  • Beverly Hills: Eliminated
  • Shnicker Von Froddersnodd: 0
  • Boff Boreley: 0
  • Sorm Guiy: 0
  • Zhang Fin Heiji: 1/2
  • Odder Contezdan: Eliminated
  • Sven Vodderfield: 0
  • Ninety Niner: 0
  • Carl Fran: 1
  • Teller Gon: Eliminated

AND THOSE ARE THE SCORES. ALSO BE NOTED THAT WE WILL NOT GO INTO FURTHER QUESTIONS FOR THE PEOPLE WHO SCORED 0 IN ROUND 1. YES.

Subscribe now for Round 2! Only $25! Or subscribe to the full episode for $250! And now, A word from our sponsors.

BUY THIS CREAM!!!! IT'S...WELL....CREAMY!!!! AND IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR FEET!!!! WELL...THAT'S WHAT THE PRODUCT SAYS, BUT YOU KNOW....

butter side up please[edit]

No i dont think so Darwin. Apparently, i need my toast....AND NOW BACK TO THE SHOW!!!!!

(flashy lights and DUN DUN DUN music plays)

For round 2!!!!

Round 2[edit]


Question 1

To Shnicker,

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Shnicker: Hey, hey, tisn't zis a joke?

Answer: To get to the other side.

Wrong answer.

Shnicker: i wasn't even answering, only commenting.

Well, you shold've been answering instead.

Shnicker: WHAT THE FUDGE???? Or As my uncle used to say, DEATH THY STING!!!

...Yes. Moving on...


Question 2

To Boff,

Question: Who are you?

Boff: Ugh... Boff, sir.

Answer: A person

Wrong Answer

Boff: Do I die?

Do you want to die?

Boff: Uh... no

Ah.. well... as the Rolling Stones said, You can't always get what you want, you get what you need and you need an anvil. Bye bye!

ANVIL DROP


Question 3

To Sorm,

Question: If 2 + 2 = Fish, what does 1 + 1 equal?

Sorm: Half-a-fish!

Answer: 2

Wrong Answer

Sorm: Can you spare me? I do anyting!

Well... can you say "Take a right turn at the left turn"?

Sorm: Surewy! Take a white tern at de wewft tern![3]

Ah... That's too funny... yeah, you don't die...


Question 4

To Zhang,

Question: How many lightbulb fixing guys does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Zhang: Er...one?

Answer: As many as you need to fix a lightbulb.

Sorry, wrong answer.

Zhang: BUT YOU DO ONLY NEED ONE!!!!

Ah, but sometimes you need more than one!

Zhang: NOOOO! I ALWAYS NEED ONE PERSON TO FIX A LIGHTBULB!!!

Ya, see you need two. You and that other "one person".

Zhang: GAAAAAH! DIEEE!!!!!

Yes, indeed. Die. Release the...

Zhang: NO!! SPARE ME!!! I'VE GOT A WIFE AND KIDS TO FEED!!!

In your passport, it says you're single.

Zhang: OH DRUM IT!!!! I HATE THAT FudgeING PASSPORT! I'll do anything to survive! PLEASE!!!!

Can you say "She sells Seashells on the seahorse?"

Zhang: ....Actually i can't.

ANVIL DROOP!


Question 5

To Sven,

Question:How do those burns feel?

Sven:Painful, idiot.

Answer: Burns can't feel.

but you can feel burns!

Sven: WHAT THE?????THIS SHOW SUCKS!!!

Hey, life sucks.

Sven: Uh....you used that joke before.

Look. Do you think we have the time to think up that many jokes????

Sven: Yes.

Well we don't. Blame the cameraman!

Cameraman: How should i know? I am merely a cameraman.


Question 6

To Ninety,

Question: Is this a rhetorical question?

Ninety: I don't think it is.

Answer: You don't answer cause it's a rhetorical question.

A rhetorical question means you don't answer, dim-wit.

Ninety: But it was a question and i'm supposed to answer it!!!

Ah, but it was a rhetorical question.

Ninety: So?

...

Ninety:...That was a rhetorical question.


Question 7

To Carl,

Question: What is 1+1?

Carl: Wait, wait, im still thinking about the first question...

Answer: 2, a window and 11.

Carl: Wait, i almost got it there....ooh a nickel!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!!!!


And that's the end of Round 2 folks!

Scores For Round 2[edit]

  • Beverly Hills: Eliminated
  • Shnicker Von Froddersnodd: 0
  • Boff Boreley: Eliminated
  • Sorm Guiy: 1/2 for your "efforts"
  • Zhang Fin Heiji: Eliminated
  • Odder Contezdan: Eliminated
  • Sven Vodderfield: 0
  • Ninety Niner: 0
  • Carl Fran: 1
  • Teller Gon: Eliminated

5 remain in Round 3.....Who will be eliminated next? SUBSCRIBE TO ROUND 3 FOR $298198237.95!!!

We currently have 5 viewers....AMAZING!!!! THATS A GUINESS WORLD RECORD!!! WE'VE GOT TO GET THEM FELLOWS IN ON THIS!!!! No, wait...this show's illegal.

So Round 3 starts soon....WATCH NOW!!!1 By subscribing, that is.

5 minutes later...

AND WE'RE BACK (flashy lights and music kind of like dun dun dun plays, old guy gets heart attack in audience)

Round 3[edit]

Question 1

To Shnicker,

Question: What song do the lyrics "I" appear in?

Shnicker: Er...effery song?

Answer: Every song.

Right, but wrong. Not effery but every.

Shnicker: But that's how i pronounce it!!!

Well then, do something...BUY A NEW PRONUNCIATION FOR IT!!! I heard you can buy em at Best Buy, eh?

(1/2 point for it, eh?)


Question 2

To Sorm,

Question: If a tree falls and no one is around, does it make a sound?

Sorm: Well, technically speaking...it would.

Answer:

How do you know it does?

Sorm: Because it should...?

Give me a good reason and i'll give you a point.

Sorm: That's a bad deal!

And that's a bad reason. Time's up.

ANVIL DROP!!!


Question 3

To Sven,

Question: Why do you still live?

Sven: TO TORMENT YOU SO!!!!

Answer: Well, in a way that is correct.

But for insulting me, we kill you.

Sven: WHAT???? THAT'S..

Great. We know.

AN VIL DROP


Question 4

To Ninety,

Question: Why isn't the number 11 pronounced "onety-one"?

Ninety: Because it's pronounced 11?

Answer: Yes, but in actuality i pronounce it onety-one.

Ninety: Then you're not normal!

Neither are you.

Ninety: I'm normal!!!

Wanna bet?

Ninety: WHY SHOULD I BET???

Why do you answer a question with a question?

Because you do!

And that's why you're not normal.

(for not being normal you get half a point cause im mean)[4]


Question 5

To Carl,

Question: If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Carl: Erm...i thought you shouldn't shoot mines or they might explode?

Answer: You shouldn't shoot mimes.

I said mimes, not mines.

Carl: But both ways, you don't shoot them....right???

Er...(he's outsmarted me)...shut up and die.

ANVIL DROP!

Scores For Round 3[edit]

  • Beverly Hills: Eliminated
  • Shnicker Von Froddersnodd: 1/2
  • Boff Boreley: Eliminated
  • Sorm Guiy: Eliminated
  • Zhang Fin Heiji: Eliminated
  • Odder Contezdan: Eliminated
  • Sven Vodderfield: Eliminated
  • Ninety Niner: 1/2
  • Carl Fran: Eliminated
  • Teller Gon: Eliminated

So both Ninety Niner and Shnicker remain. Now for a word from our sponsors.

Sponsor: Hi.

That was "a word" from our sponsors. Now, back to the show!

Round 4 (final)[edit]

So here we are at the final round. I'll blitz through 5 questions for each contestant. the one who gets the most correct wins (obviously). They will be "easy" questions but they will be fast. And when i mean easy, i mean....my kind of easy. Which is hard. As in rock. Or as in mean. Average kind of mean. Now back to the show!!!


Question 1

For Shnicker,

Question: 3+4?

Shnicker: Er...8! Gaah, i mean 7!! TOO FAST!!!

Answer: 7

Shnicker: That was....easy?

No, that was fast.


Question 1

For Ninety,

Question: 90+1?

Ninety: Ha-ha! 901! Gaah! 90210!!! NOOOOO!

Answer:91.

Ninety: That was....easy?

See previous statement.


Question 2

For Shnicker,

Question: How do you spell mountain?

Shnicker: With a capital letter at the start.

Answer:M-o-u-n-t-a-i-n.

Shnicker: Okay, i think i got this now.


Question 2

To Ninety,

Question: How do you spell bee?

Ninety: b-e-e!

Answer: Correct.


Question 3

To Shnicker,

Question: What day is it today?

Shnicker: Sunday!

Answer: Correct.

Now to change some things around....


Question 3

To Ninety,

Question: What day was it today?

Ninety: Sunday?

Answer: Saturday.

Ninety: WHHAT??

I said "was" not "is".


Question 4

To Shnicker,

Question: When is the day after tomorrow?

Shnicker: Tuesday?

Answer: In 2 days' time.

Shnicker: Eh?

No, in 2 days' time.


Question 4

To Ninety,

Question: When is the moon brightest?

Ninety: HOW SHOULD I KNOW????

Answer: Correct.

Ninety: You....actually don't know???? YOU ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW???

(shoots Ninety)

The Ending[edit]

And so with Ninety being shot, Shnicker Von Froddersnodd came home to Germany with 1 million dollars. He bought a new house, only to have it collapse on him when the Large Hadron Collider collided. The world ended and so nobody really ever got to see another episode of I'll ask the questions here!.

Until next time...

To infinity and beyond!!![5]

TO THE INFINITY AND THE BEYOND!!!!

See also[edit]

Bad puns[edit]

  1. Be noted that this is a pun. It sounds like Some Guy right?
  2. Sounds like Other Contestant.
  3. T3PO's a racist bastard...
  4. Mean as in average kind of mean. the mean of 2, 3 and 4 is 3 after all.
  5. Which, my little friend is infinity plus one.



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