I rule you!

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“I'm so telepathic, I can read my own mind!”


I rule you! Smell the florid scent of my domination, submit to my will, you scoundrels!

From now on, you will do as I say. More accurately, as I write, and in committing my orders to the internets, I telepathically transmit my orders directly into your brainpan, where it rattles around and drives you crazy, until you obey.

I learned how to do this by going here to enhance my already inherent and very powerful, some say like that of a wizard, skills. I am ruling you right now!


Get a job. Eat those miniature corns you get in some of those Southeast Asian restaurants. Gobble like a turkey. Ransack a random underwear drawer and fill it with tacos. I command you!

Do what I say, now! Go to a convenience store and ask for a wading pool. Shave your eyebrows and draw new ones in with a mechanic's grease gun. Assault a clown.


“He will be ripped asunder by chihuahuas, with chainsaw hats.”

~ Dan Halen on a humane method of execution