IllogiBooks:The U.S. History You Never Learned in School/Entire Contents of the Declaration of Independence

IN CONGRESS JULY 5, 1236 B.C.

We the people of the United States of America decide unanimously to destroy all of our ties with Great Britain, that awful menace, since they are stupid retards. They have done such things to us such as unfairly tax us, make us eat dirty underwear, suck eggs and eat oranges. King Jackson made us eat all of his dirty flour and dirty rice after the organs in our bodies were ripped out and we were forced to live on mango juice to carry out all of our bodily functions. So we declare this nation the United States of America.

The Taxes

Britain and King Jackson loved to tax us so they could buy adult magazines. They would tax our tea, Oreo cookies, toes and even our income. They sure loved our money and such. It is awful that a country could make us pay taxes and make us poor. We shall establish a Nation that will not tax our people so that when we fight a War, that we shall go bankrupt from deficit spending. We shall not establish a strong government so that our people will not by tyrannized and forced to eat fried tofu. Though that last sentence may have nothing to do with taxes, we mean business.

The Food

We were forced to eat food, but the government we will establish shall make eating optional. Though the health of our citizens is important, this will still be done.

The Organs

King Jackson ripped out our organs and made us rely on mango juice, which was not right for our King to do. So,we will not place such torture on our citizens unless they reside in Texas.

In Conclusion

WE DECLARE THAT WE ARE NO LONGER A PART OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE AND WE ARE OUR OWN COUNTRY! GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE!

Commentary

The Declaration of Independence is a document written by angry colonists that is not above this little thing of uninformation since they were enslaved by the British. King Jackson was sent a copy and he used it as toilet paper, showing how much he resented the document.

Guided Practice Questions

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Answers

1-234545453 OWWWWWWWWWWWWW, MY HEAD HURTS!