IllogiNews:Bats unsuitable as dairy stock say Belgians

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A giant Congo dairy bat, escaping its milking restraints, wreaks havoc on archaic Belgian jungle researchers Artist's conception

KINSHASA, Belgian Congo -- Léopoldville residents awoke to horrible screeching noises and the sounds of men screaming and flesh tearing this morning, causing some to become so upset that they phoned police. The source of the fracas turned out to be an experimental dairy farm run by a secret Belgian organization which answers only to the King of Belgium and his mistress [1].

Scientists, lab technicians and security personnel were slaughtered by the dozen after an enraged giant Congo bat, genetically modified to produce copious milk, escaped from its milking harness and shackles. Lactation specialist Gunter Windschuttscheibabwischerrepaturwerkshatdirektor was the first to be killed as he struggled to restrain the 680 kilogram beast as she bit through safety chains and chewed his head off, ears first.

"I haven't seen such an operational clusterfuck since the hunt for Osama Bin Laden", Governor and Special Forces consultant Henri Cornelis stated as he sipped tea in the great room of his palatial residence, sitting beneath the head of a porpoise recently bagged on a specialty safari. "Now that the bat is out of the bag, I may as well say we've (Belgium) been running this covert operation since 1958. Not to name names, the same king who liked having pinecones shoved up his ass also generously funded this project. His Majesty was a firm believer that bat's milk is the key to solving most mental illness. His personal staff of mad scientists convinced him that it was a good idea to breed giant bats for the purpose."

The facility, which employs some 30,000 scientists, technicians, security forces and support staff, suffered heavy damage before the creature could be subdued with a giant dart gun. "Crikey, took three darts before the bugger dropped," Polish monkey polisher Bob Sniezek told IllogiNews. Speaking out of one side of his face [2], the tissue enthusiast and former golf pro described the devastation, "is awesome in its magnitude. Acres of crops burned, labs and support buildings destroyed... it was total and utter destruction! Oh, and hundreds dead too, as well."

Bat's milk contains antioxidants and elbow grease, all things strongly linked to curing cancer. The World Health Organization has occupied the facilities under the authority of the UN. United Nations stormtroopers arrived in armored vehicles and helicopters. None of the dead humans were reported to have been killed by friendly fire, but every corpse taken from the compound had several bullet wounds.

The Society For Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has stepped in on behalf of the bats, and has secured a legal team to press charges against His Majesty and the Belgian government.

Sources[edit]

  • Medicinal marijuana

References[edit]

  1. The one with auburn hair and bladderwrack.
  2. Which side has yet to be determined.
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