IllogiNews:Butt hymen restoration now practical, safe
This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages. |
GIN BOTTLE, Arkansas -- Swarthy rough and tumble stealth super-surgeon Max "the Penetrator" Blundor announced today on the steps of Arkansas Charity Hospital for Embarrassing Medical Conditions at the state's capital today the approval by the FDA of an astounding new therapy for restoring the butt hymen.
The beauty of this new therapy is that it renders surgical butt hymen reconstruction unnecessary. Previously, the few reconstructions that were attempted failed due to massive infections and the eventual death of the patients.
"We think that the reason for this was the close proximity of the surgical field to shit, which can sometimes cause infection," Dr. Kataly Myenkonev, a researcher and deputy sheriff for the hospital told IllogiNews. "Another problem was a dearth of plastic surgeons willing to work in close proximity to shit."
The key to therapy is an accidental discovery that the application of a specific range of microwaves to the sphincter turns on the gene responsible in amphibians for the regrowth of limbs. "As it turn out, in humans, this same procedure will cause a previously ruptured butt hymen to regenerate spontaneously," explained Dr. Blundor. "A patient can now, under the supervision of a trained physician, perform this therapy themselves, at home, with a blow dryer."
This will certainly be a Godsend for prisoners and others forcibly ass raped.