IllogiNews:Hippies suddenly popular again

From Illogicopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Civil rights activist and neonatal nurse Chuck Bumpkiss is running on a no hippies platform in the upcoming Minnesota election for Bible Studies Czar.

DISINTEREST, Wisconsin -- Hippies are pouring into the Midwestern United States like the bourbon in my morning coffee, and some people are getting very happy about it.

"One of them fellows gave me a bag of mushrooms to let him sleep in the tool shed last night. I'm now dating younger, more attractive women who do not exist," said Xavier Molotov, garden gnome consultant from Madison. "I'd have him back again, I suppose."

Heathens, blasphemers, hypnotists and adulterers make up most of the opposition to Chuck Bumpkiss, a rising star of the Libertarian movement in Minnesota. Regional smelting facilities have temporarily gone on standby as Blackwater mercenaries are called in to, "look scary, like you might shoot somebody", in the words of Baptist preacher Ken "the Butcher" Phelan. Despite having a stroke at the moment, he continued, "all women want to have me sexually. Even lesbians." He is, of course, wrong about lesbians.

Opium is being handed out to destitute convenience store assistant managers in an effort to coincide with furry turtles. The National Guards of 4⅜ states are on code Corinthian Leather bucket seats standby alert, in the event that something happens. Busing will be available at a sharply discounted rate to the insane with documentation.

It's "Compost Week" on the Home and Garden Network, and the smart money is on bat guano. Since the eradication of Papoon for President campaign paraphenalia (buttons, posters, signed memorabilia, etc.), Gatorade will substitute for organically grown Georgia law enforcement officers.

In the event of rain, cervices will be dilated in a large tent with no bats whatsoever.

Sources[edit]

  • gak!Magazine.com
  • H. P. Lovecraft
  • the bourbon in my morning coffee