IllogiNews:New breakthrough in rehymenization

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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

This smart young lady will avoid painful and lethal butt hymen replacement surgery.

GIN BOTTLE, Arkansas

Swarthy rough and tumble stealth super-surgeon Max "the Penetrator" Blundor announced today on the steps of Arkansas Charity Hospital for Embarrassing Medical Conditions at the state's capital today the approval by the FDA of an astounding new therapy for restoring the butt hymen.

The beauty of this new therapy is that it renders surgical butt hymen reconstruction unnecessary. Previously, the few reconstructions that were attempted failed due to massive infections and the eventual death of the patients.

"We think that the reason for this was the close proximity of the surgical field to poop, which can sometimes cause infection," Dr. Kataly Myenkonev, a researcher and deputy sheriff for the hospital told IllogiNews. "Another problem was a dearth of plastic surgeons willing to work in close proximity to poop."

The key to the therapy is an anecdotal, accidental discovery that proper application of heat to the sphincter turns on the gene responsible in amphibians for the regrowth of limbs. "As it turn out, in humans, this same procedure will cause a previously ruptured butt hymen to regenerate spontaneously," explained Dr. Blundor. "A patient can now, under the supervision of a trained physician, perform this therapy themselves, at home, with a blow dryer."

Oddly enough, the same application of heat to the sphincter can also cause spontaneous disintegration of the vaginal hymen. "We don't recommend this procedure for female virgins, especially those living in primitive cultures demanding virginity of the bride at marriage," said Dr Blundor.

This breakthrough brings new hope to prisoners and others forcibly ass raped.