IllogiNews:Police Use Atomic Bomb Following Minor Robbery
This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages. |
18 August 2014
Peoria, Illinois
Police officers in Peoria, Illinois detonated an atomic bomb on residents following a small robbery. After deploying humvees, armored officers, and tear gas, they felt it was the only option to keep the peace. Police Chief Jimmy Daniels said that "This is standard protocol for us. Sure, most of the residents in the area were not doing anything wrong, but we gotta stop those minor robberies by any means necessary."
Many pundits and officials have wondered how the Peoria Police Department, a local law enforcement agency, got its hands on a piece of nuclear weaponry. Documents reveal that it was part of a 2007 law called the Throw Fire at the Problem Act. This Act outfitted police departments with army-grade supplies in the hope of cutting back on terrorism. "Yanno," says an unnamed official at the Department of Defense, "We've learned in the years since 9/11 that the best way to stop terrorism is to give fat, racist cops weapons they don't know when or how to use. It's common sense."
When asked about the killing of thousands of innocent townspeople in Peoria, a spokesperson for the police said, "Well, a few of them were committing crimes, so it seemed just to us." As for the radiation affecting surrounding areas, the spokesperson told us, "There might be a few criminals there, too."