IllogiNews:The Governator monopolizes electrical service providers in Koalafornia, local koalas outraged and prepare for war

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

SACRED MINT, KOALAFORNIA - Yeah... about the title of this article... you see, some European man that is said to be a former bodybuilder that the locals called "The Governator" decided that he wanted to monopolize the electricity industry in Koalafornia, therefore crippling the power of the state government and infuriating the locals. So, in a demonstration of the rights of koalas - keep in mind that this is Koalafornia, by the way - the locals decided to protest at the gates of The Governator's residential estate. The Governator's private human security immediately arrived on the scene and started to break up the protest, which only took two minutes (It's just a bunch of koalas; you can just scoop them up from the ground and put them in an animal control truck). State officials (who are koalas, of course) have claimed to have taken note of this incident and will soon take action, but, according to Representative Gerard Koalliams, "There is nothing much we can do except laze around all day with our families and munch on eucalyptus leaves, so the people are gonna have to wait." It is rumored that officials such as Koalliams have been taking bribes from humans that promise undivided attention from younger, smaller humans that are respectful to small furry animals, and a vast amount of land in the Sacred-Mint-Oh Valley and Sand Walkin Valley. Should these rumors be confirmed, the outcome brought upon by the locals will be unfathomably... harmless, cute, and producing no effect at all, regardless of the angry voices emanating from the koalas. What does The Governator have to say about these rumored bribes and possible rebellion? Here is what he had to say in front of the Koalafornia Kapitol.

"Mr. Governator!"

"It's Arnold, ja."

"Alright then, Arnold; would you like to comment on the rumors that have been going around about state officials and representatives accepting bribes from you and your other human conspirators?"

"I wouldn't use the term 'conspirators,' but no, we are not bribing the koalas. We are simply providing them financial support for their struggling economy. If they are calling it bribing, then they are simply misinterpreting it."

"Okay, Arnold, but the thing is, the rumor says that it is not money that you and your conspir-"

"Associates."

"My apologies, Arnold. Anyway, the rumor states that you and your associates are not bribing with money, but with 'undivided attention from younger, smaller humans' and 'a vast amount of land in the Sacred Mint Valley and Sand Walkin Valley.' Do you wish to comment on that, sir?"

"Err... um... EVERYONE, RUN!!! GET TO THE CHOPPER!!!"

Arnold and his associates fled from the scene in said chopper and vanished northward to his residence. The local militia (composed entirely of koalas) tried to shoot down the chopper, but was unsuccessful due to the fact that the militia could only manufacture primitive weapons made of sticks and stones, therefore providing limited range. As the militia members were going home, I found the leader, Shawn Koannedy, and asked if he would like to comment on the attempt, but declined. He did say, however that "they think we're too damned cute to do anything. Well, they just might be right this time." I later found out that "they" was referring to humans in general. One can only fathom how such a tragedy occurs over the monopolization of the electrical service providers in Koalafornia, but then again, who am I to do so? Oh, and by the way, the officials that were previously mentioned were arrested for corruption.

The following day, the locals got a surprise from their neighboring state, Kangafornia. The officials of Kangafornia (composed of kangaroos and joeys) stated in a telegraph message that they were willing to aid the koala cause in restoring order to the Koalafornian government because of "our marsupial similarities." Our covert human sources - oh, and I am a koala, and I have been a koala for the entire article - confirm that efforts are being made to structurally reinforce The Governator's residence and that his private human security is being trained more extensively and wearing stronger, thicker armor to prepare for the coming kangaroo onslaught. After secretly intercepting the telegraph message (everybody knows Morse code), the humans issued marshal law/police state and set an extremely harsh curfew... to humans, that is. Of course, the locals have no problem with it at all, as they sleep up to 20 hours a day and hardly do anything for the other 4 hours that they're awake. Meanwhile, the Kangafornian government has commenced the deployment of highly trained kangaroo mercenaries that can easily take on a multitude of humans. Now, one may ask, "Do the humans have any firearms or knives?" The covert sources mentioned earlier have confirmed that The Governator's private security is only armed with brass knuckles, which will do little to affect the heavily armored kangaroo mercenaries.

After lying in wait in their trees, the koalas finally got word of the kangaroos' imminent arrival. With that being said, the Koalafornian Military and Militia quickly scrambled to their battle stations to prepare for the all out war that was about to occur. 10 minutes later, the much needed reinforcements arrived under the strong leadership of General Kanga Roo. No one dared disobey her orders. She quickly started to reorganize the koalas and improved their battle strategy, which in turn amplified the koalas' morale and will to fight. And finally, on 1 Yoon 2015, at 1400 hours... a telegraph arrived from the humans. It said, "Your numbers are too great, which is why we had to invite our cousins and aunts and uncles to help fight with us. Unfortunately, it'll take about a week to get them all here, so this war has officially been postponed for 168 hours. Have a nice day!" Enraged, General Roo bellowed, "F*cking cowards! This lot of humans can't even face us without coming up with some random-a(r/s)sed excuse to prolong this war!"

So, for the next 168 hours, the Koalafornians decided to properly know the Kangafornians in a formal manner. First, they decided to have a bridge tournament that lasted for a solid 48 hours. Secondly, they decided to train each other to get a more detailed concept of their war methods for 4 days. On the last day... let's just say that the Koalafornians taught the Kangafornians what they do best: partying hard. Finally, 168 hours after the postponement, the time was at hand. Every soldier was prepared to face death; On 8 Yoon 2015... yet another telegraph arrived from the humans, saying, "Our reinforcements have failed to be cooperative, thinking that we invited them over for a barbeque and/or a family reunion. When they were told that they would have to face koalas and kangaroos in battle, they quickly flees, leaving us high and dry. So, it is with a heavy heart we are saying this... but... we're just going to..." And it ended there. For the next 51 seconds, the army waited in a suspenseful manner. Then, the last remaining telegraph arrived, saying, "Surrender." The people rejoiced wildly and held a huge party, Koalafornian style. But General Roo was suspicious. I secretly asked her why, and she said, "It simply says 'Surrender,' and I don't think it was meant to finish the previous telegraph. I think they were telling us to surrender." I asked if she might know why, and she replied, "They could have acquired some WMD's. But that's just the worst case scenario." I then ask her what WMD's are. "Weapons of Mass Destruction."

At 0830 hours the next day, just as state officials were preparing to accept the humans' surrender at the Kapitol, General Roo's concerns were proven true. The telegraph said, "Because we humans are to lazy to get our hands dirty, we decided that we're just going to utterly annihilate you. That's right. We're going to nuke you. Nice knowing you all!"

(*boom*)

And thus, Koalafornia and Kangafornia were no more.