Krav Maga

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Krav Maga, Hebrew for "did I just kill that poor bastard?", is the most popular form of recreation in Israel. It has often been described as a "martial science", as opposed to a martial art, because the ultimate goal at its inception was to develop the most efficient methods of dispatching opponents, or lacking that, disabling them so that one might escape the scene unscathed. Much of the training is open handed, but there are many techniques against opponents wielding knives, swords, crossbows, handguns, trebuchets and bat fuck artillery.

Beginnings[edit | edit source]

Jews have gotten the shit end of the stick for quite some time. Throughout history, many Jews have been forced to adopt many and sundry methods to avoid persecution by a majority of gentiles living around them. There were religious conversions and migrations, forced or not, pogroms, theft, libel, slander and all manner of hateful expression.

During the 1930s and 1940s, a national champion Czech wrestler and boxer lived in a society which had nationalistic ambitions and that gem of bigots, antisemitism. His name was Imi Lichtenfeld, and he was a badass. Using a combination of magical Asian martial arts, his own experiences and by stealing little Christian children under cover of darkness no cheeses whatsoever, Mr. Lichtenfeld crafted a fighting style so scary that there are documented cases of grown men crapping their pants at the mere mention.

Recreation[edit | edit source]

Due to its popularity as recreation, Krav Maga master practitioners are plentiful in Israel. Tourists are advised to watch their Ps and Qs when visiting, lest pants crapping or death ensue.