Life Options

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As I sat in a "citizenship" lesson, happily failing my A-Levels, I was told by a teacher I had to choose what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. OH NOES what do I do??!!?!? Just as I was about to note down my aspirations the teacher explained that my murky school record and scruffy appearance would disqualify me from everything I'd ever wanted to do later in life. In fact she said she'd be surprised if I wasn't dead in 10 years.

It got me thinking about the future so I decided to investigate my options; I came up with a list of ideas, each more depressing than the last. Well, according to the Interweb, here's what I could do when I grow up:

Join the Mafia[edit]

Requirements: Discretion, some Italian heritage, a water-tight alibi, no witnesses, and a black suit with sunglasses. You should also be careless with the placement of the documentation of the rules of Mafia life.

Claim Benefits and Live in a Run-Down Council Estate[edit]

Requirements: a tendency to get young teens pregnant, extreme and sometimes long-range potency, a seemingly limitless supply of beer and cigarettes despite not having the money to buy toilet paper, limited vocabulary, short-life expectancy, and animal herd mentality (as well as herd animal intelligence).

Enter the Sex Industry[edit]

Requirements: Fluid clothing policies, a fondness of chewing carpet, spiritual deadening, and an open mouth.

Go to Jail[edit]

Requirements: Soap repellent hands, macho homoeroticism, (being gay, though not essential, helps), a sinister laugh, a knife tucked neatly up your rectum, a suspicious demeanour, and a police record of past frenzies. Being called Butch McStabby would also be ideal for those considering a career in prison.

Become Rich and Famous[edit]

Requirements: lotto ticket and/or actual talent and good connections and/or something about you that sexually appeals to high up officials and/or a successful interview for Big Brother and/or get fired from your post as England manager (£2.5 million?!?)

Live on the Streets[edit]

Requirements: A beard, A stack of BIG ISSUEs, and a "Special Brew"


Requirements: A consistently horizontal line on your heart monitor, knowing too much, a lack of life, and a love of bright white lights at the end of a tunnel. Those who enjoy not being dead should not enter a life of death.

Have a Stroke of Pure Genius which will Certainly Revolutionize the Whole World and Make me Millions of Pounds, Only then to have that Idea Cruelly Snatched away from Me by Bill Gates - Resulting in Me Spending the Rest of my Days living with my Mother and Regretting having ever had the Idea in the First Place. Sigh.[edit]

Requirements: A brilliant inspired idea, and a Microsoft webcam in the room where the idea is kept.


Requirements: Access to the internet in your mental home, various irresolvable issues with life, hands or a hamster to type with, and a spare pair of socks.

Go to University (Not Going To Happen)[edit]

Requirements: Oodles of cash, Sanity, The "Get-Up and Go" mentality of a sexual predator, and least importantly intelligence.

Sign Up for Clown College[edit]

Requirements: Numerous failed attempts at all of the above.