List of Drunken Incidents Involving Wallace Intrubé
“Sorry,, drunk!”
Drunken incidents involving Wallace have been frequent and socially damaging for both Wallace and those who were in the vicinity when such incidents happened. Some have had devastating consequences, claiming hundreds of lives. In order to fully understand the nature of Wallace's psyche, and have a better idea of when to predict the next one (and make the necessary precautions), neurologists have compiled a list of all the drunken incidents involving Wallace Intrubé.
Wallace's drinking habits[edit | edit source]
Since 2001, Wallace has been a regular and heavy drinker of alcoholic beverages. While his favoirate drink is Blue WKD ('Blue Ribena' as he calls it) he has been known to drink white wine, 'alchopops' and moonshine. Wallace has created his own brewery from the money he made during the Vienna incident which brews primarly his own brand of Whiskey called Orange Malt.
Unfortunatley Wallace is somewhat of a lightweight, meaning he becomes paraplegic after only 5 units. Whilst drunk Wallace has been involved in many incidents, several of which have sparked court cases with one going as far as the European court of human rights
List of incidents[edit | edit source]
1) On March 3rd 2001, after his first sip of alcohol, Wallace tore of his shirt and sang sex machine to an audience of close family and friends.
2) On April 22nd 2001, Wallace drank 4 bottles of Mangers, a bottle of champange and litre of brake fluid at the house of close friend Pom Tickup. After falling down the stairs he broke his right ankle. Embarrassed, he climbed the stairs again to reattempt his decsent only to fall and break his left ankle as well.
3) On June 14th 2001, Wallace went to a strip club with several business colleges. He drank so much he threw up on a young lady performing a lap dance on his person. Outtraged, she slapped Wallace firmly across the face and in his angered, drunken state, Wallace snapped her neck. While the woman recovered he was taken to court. Wallace escaped prosecution thanks to an unknown alibi who told the court he was in Greenland helping on a conservation project.
4) On August 11th 2001, Wallace attended the opening of an orphanange which he had privately funded. After drinking several bottles of chamapange, Wallace told one small boy he would get his parents back if he danced for him. When it transpired Wallace could do no such thing the child began to cry and Wallace told him his parents were going to collect him but turned back halfway because they "couldn't be bothered with the hassle".
5) On November 29th 2001, Wallace ate some rotting apples which had fermented and produced alcohol at his studio flat in West London. Wallace ran around Picadilly Circus with his clothes on inside out carrying a large bucket of lego which he threw at passersby. Wallace was arrested and was made to do 50 hours of community service. 14 Pigeons died after choking on the lego bricks Wallace had distributed.
6) On December 16th 2001, Wallace attended a Christmas party held by the Snickets. As the night wore on, he joined a group of young males from both the Snicket and Intrubé families who were playing cards and drinking in the parlor. Wallace drank one shot of whisky which caused him to pass out. Wallace awoke in a large bed between a female dwarf, an Argetine stockbroker named Fernado Bentez and a swan. All claim to have been subject to The Biscuit Technique
7) On Febuary 24th 2002 Wallace met an old old friend at the 'Pig and Elder' in Watford. After a few bottles of blue WKD, Wallace told his friend he had seen nuclear weapons on a recent trip to Iraq. Wallace's old friend was none other than Sir Geoffry Hove, a prominant member of MI6 who used to play Lacrosse with him. Much of what Wallace said that night formed the Dodgy Dossier and was delivered to the then Prime Minister of Britain Tony Blair. While considered a practical joke by Wallace, Mr Hove took the alegations very seriously and Wallace's fictious story partially caused the invasion of Iraq on March 20 2003. Wallace gave evidence at the Iraq Inquiry on January 19th 2010.
8) On May 4th 2002 Wallace held a house warming party in his villia on Cuba. Wallace invited several high profile people such as Fidel Castro, Cher and Micheal Barrymore. After drinking 4 cans of stella, Wallace physically assulted a Cuban solider who had been employed to gaurd Castro. Scared for his life, Wallace fashioned a raft from the roof of a Citeron. Wallace escaped Cuba with only minor brusing and reached Florida the following afternoon.
9) On September 4th 2002 Wallace visited Rome on a 'cultural, soul searching exercise'. Wallace was greeted by hordes of fans, many of who offered him fine wines for his enjoyment. The Pope was to take a private mass with Wallace yet the event was canceled after Wallace was caught swiming the Tiber in women's clothing. It later transpired Wallace had drunk 12 bottles of cognac. Wallace was so ashamed he decided to stop drinking for good. The following two years are known by those close to Wallace as the great drought.
10) On November 13th 2004 Wallace had been dry for over two years yet his brewery was still active. After reciving a anonymous donation of $6,000,000 Wallace built a second brewery in Orleans, France. While taking a clique of his bussiness partners for a tour, Wallace fell in a vat of blue ribena. He emerged blind drunk and precceded to fire his top tier of advisers, replacing them with a selection of woodland creatures. Intrube confectionary co. Made it's first annual loss the following year.
11) On May 17th 2005 Wallace was tried for extortion after his new bussiness venture was found to be lie. Wallace had been drinking heavily to make up for 'lost time'. He began to delvelop a schizophrenic disorder where he would sometimes become a Russian speech-therapist who he named Soselo. He set up a speech-therapy centere in centeral London which lasted for 4 months. It folded after one female customer claimed his methods bordered on 'sodomy'. Wallace was acquitted as his lawyers argued Wallace was simply 'helping the woman to sound fricatives'. Strangly Wallace, or Soselo has recived praise from many of his ex-clients who claim to have be cured from a whole manner of speach impediments.
12) On August 26th 2005 Wallace was invited by the governor of Nebraska to give a speech on The joys of soft furnishing: a brief history. Wallace knew very little about soft furnishing, in fact he abhorred it. Sources close to Wallace claim he once headbutted a chaise lounge. To calm his nerves Wallace drank shots of malibu and sunflower oil before taking to the stage. 4 minutes into his speech Wallace fell-over, vomitted and passed out. Wallace has not visted Nebraska since.
13) On November 2nd 2005 after Wallace's favourite Rugby Union team the Cambridge Canaries were challenged by the Newcastle Falcons, Wallace made his way to Teeside to support his team at the game. Come half time his team were losing horribly, and left the stadium early to drown his sorrows. Sources then report he slipped and smacked his nose while using a urinal, and upon missing the bus home by approximately 4 hours proceeded to wander around looking for somewhere to stay. Unable to pay for a hotel (he'd got his PIN wrong thrice while attempting to book in at the nearest Travelodge) he then proceed to follow three Geordies home and proceeded to spend the night on their living room floor without their consent after they'd fallen asleep. He arrived home the next day in an ambulance.
14) On January 28th 2006 Wallace went hat shopping in Bern, Switzerland with his niece, Rose. The pair took a break in a expensive cafe where Wallace actively encouraged Rose to drink, despite the fact she was only nine. Wallace grew angry at Rose's reluctance to drink and started taking shots of rum to show that alcohol had no ill effects. He then claimed alcohol makes people invisible. To prove the point he took off all his clothes apart from a fedorra he had purchased earlier and started tickling waiters. Witnesses claim he screamed 'I'm a little pony! Look at me roar!' as he threw cups of scolding hot coffee at children and wrestled a man to the ground who was trying to protect his children. Wallace only stopped when he broke his ankle, trying to vault over a table to punch a guide dog. Wallace later blamed his angry mood on his choice of hat, apparently the brim was too short for his tastes.
15) On March 30th 2006 Wallace took a skiing holiday in Vancouver, Canada. That night Wallace went to a small party that was being held in one of the cabins. Taking advantage of the free bar, Wallace drank half a gallon of pear cider and a bottle of paint stripper. Wallace was found early the next morning at the bottom of the largest ski slope in a sleeping bag, wearing a rubber Richard Nixon mask. When asked how he got there by one of the ski instructors he said the now famous line Never ask a man how he got in a situation, if you feel the answer may me you sick.
16) On October 12th 2006 Wallace was at the funeral of family friend and one time rival Frankie Snicket. After the funeral the mourners visited Peach Hill County retreat in Surrey, England. Wallace stood to give a toast to Frankie, reminding everyone of Frankie's work with abandoned animals charity, 'SCRUF' and his volunteery work reparing small electrical appliances at the homes of the elderly. Wallace downed the toast of champange and took a swig of kerosene he had in a hip flask. Wallace then launched in to virulent anti-semitism and threw a vase at a woman sat in the front row. Wallace was only silenced when four of the bar staff subdued him by dragging him into the foyer and injecting him with horse tranquilizer.
17) On December 22nd 2006 Wallace held a staff Christmas party on his private yaught, anchored four miles off the coast of southern Portugal. Wallace had invited famous coctail creater Clive Winterbottom to provide his quests with refreshment. Clive had made a coctail espacially for Wallace, using his faviorate ingredients; sherry, Blue Nun and Turtle Wax. After drinking the coctail Wallace turned quickly violent, hitting Clive with a saucepan and knocking him out. Wallace then dragged him to the deck and threw him over board. The body has never been recovered.
18) On Febuary 13th 2007 Wallace spent some time with a gypsy community, travelling up and down Britain, tarmacking drives and salvaging supplies of lead and copper. After a particularly strenuous day of knocking on doors asking for antiques Wallace decided to unwind with the rest of the travelling community, sitting by the fire, listening to Romanian folk tales and drinking a traditional alcoholic brew named 'Chemecka'. Wallace drank seven bowls before taking the reigns of one of the caravans. Wallace rode hard from the camp-site, travelling down the hard shoulder of the M6. Wallace, a novice to gypsy culture, did not realise the horses had also been drinking that night. Seven miles into his midnight flight the horses collapsed, pulling the caravan off the motorway and into a ditch. Wallace awoke the next morning in police custody in Walsall. The Gypsys sued Wallace for damages close to the sum of £20,000. Wallace responded by evicting the gypsys from everywhere south of Glasgow, essentially forcing the Gypsys into the highlands of Scotland. Wallace has not travelled by horse drawn transport since.
19) On April 11th 2007 Wallace went on a short fishing trip on the great lakes with Kofi Annan, Jimmy Carter and Eamon Holmes. On the first night each man brought a alcoholic drink for the others to try. One sip of Eamon's special Irish coffee caused Wallace to pass out. The other men carried Wallace into his tent and put him in his sleeping bag. Kofi Annan offered to watch over Wallace for at least an hour, allowing the others to go to sleep and make sure Wallace was fine. 20 minutes later Wallace awoke, foaming at the mouth and making feral noises. Kofi was clearly scared and tried to unzip the tent yet his hands were shaking too badly. Wallace grabbed Kofi and trapped him in his sleeping bag. Wallace had had terrible flatulence from all the fish he was eating and this had been trapped in the sleeping bag along with the former UN secretary General. Kofi Annan was held there for over half an hour before Wallace passed out from exhaustion. Mr Annan later described the experience like being 'traped in a Dutch oven'.
20) On July 23rd 2007 Wallace visited his dear old friend Dennis Esterházy in his Devonshire home. During a rather heated debate on cellophane Wallace downed a bottle of Jagermeister, lept out the window and ran towards Dennis' private menagerie. Dennis found Wallace fist fighting a kola in the marsupial enclosure. Luckily Dennis' Kangaroo was at the vets at the time. Had he been present Wallace would have likely been disimbowled.
21) On September 14th 2007 Wallace undertook a life-long dream and visited Poland to watch his Favourite golf tournament, the Polish Open. Having paid a large sum of money for tickets, Wallace was also treated to complementary drinks at the 19th hole bar. Having drunk Nine Metric Meters of traditional Polish ale Wallace hijacked a buggy driven by a tournament official, Drove it onto the 6th hole, crashed into the man currently playing and grabbed his club. Wallace swung at onlookers, many of whom later testify he was screaming in Arabic. Security managed to subdue him but not before he took a swing at the golf ball ready on the tee. Amazingly Wallace got a hole-in-one.
22) On October 29th 2007 Wallace attended an old warehouse which he'd converted into a children's play area he'd named 'Mr Intrube's House of Fun'. During the opening ceremony Wallace handed out drinks of pop and squash to the children. Wallace had laced these drinks with vodka and the children soon began to feel very unwell. Wallace himself had been at the drink all day and went missing for around four hours. he was later found naked at the bottom of the ball-pit. Reports say his inner thighs were covered in cottage cheese.
23) On January 12th 2008 Wallace attended the film premier of a film he had part funded alongside his acting friend and fellow jigsaw enthusiast Michael Douglas. The film, while costing Wallace close to $40 million of his own money to produce, was universally panned by critics and received boos and jeers at it's opening night. Wallace, who had been drinking more or less constantly since 10 o'clock that morning stood up and ran out of the theatre clearly very upset. Tears pouring down his face, Wallace sealed all the fire exits and caused a mechanical fire which rapidly spread throughout the cinema. Fortunately Michael Douglas quickly found an exit Wallace had neglected and everyone escaped with only minor burns and repository problems. Wallace refuses to claim responsibility despite CCTV evidence and 47 prosecution witnesses indicting him. He calls the media storm surrounding his attempted murder of 369 people 'Hollywood nonsense'.
24) On May 3rd 2008 Wallace attended the world Jousting tournament in Slovenia on the first day of his 3 week long tour of the former Republic of Yugoslavia. Once the organisers became aware Wallace would be attending he was given VIP treatment, given back door access and even offered the chance to joust himself in a exhibition event, rounding off the whole weekend's sport against the tournament champion in front of a crowd of thousands. Wallace, ever one to try new things cordially agreed. Wallace spent the hours before his joust drinking traditional beverages with the Slovenian President, particularly a nutty Slovenian spirit made from distilled dog faeces. Wallace told the President his joust would be something 'few would forget' and would be 'a modern twist on the ancient martial art'. Wallace disappeared behind his curtain ready for the big reveal yet the crowd were shocked to hear the sound of a motorbike engine. The curtain was drawn and revealed a 1970's Harley-Davidson motorcycle, ridden by a chimpanzee sporting a crash helmet. Beside him in the side car sat Wallace brandishing a bolt-action hunting rifle. His opponent, atop a white stallion turned his stead away in laughter. The motorcycle roared in response to the snub and the bike, the chimp and Wallace hurtled towards him at ever increasing speed. Wallace took aim with his rifle when his simian friend lost control. The bike veered to the right and lifted the side car skyward. Wallace fired a lone shot into the air before the bike crashed into the side of the jousting area. Wallace was found guilty of no crime other than killing an engendered bird of prey with his hapless shot. Wallace made a national apology on live Slovenian television, justifying his choice of transport by claiming he was 'never any good with horses'. Wallace had to cancel the remainder of his Yugoslavian trip.