Malta

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“If the pension crisis gets too bad, just send them all to Malta. It's their sort of paradise...”

“Woah, this isn't Jerusalem...”

~ Knights Hospitaller

Malta is incontestably the most happening place on Earth. While barren landscapes, broken streets, Catholic Churches and sandy castles may deceive the tourist into passing over this island, hidden within is a party like no other. It caters for a majority population of retired pensioners, but as we all know, the pensioner is the Prince of Parties. The Queen of Sheba. The Sultan of Swing. He is neither here nor there. Just as a teacher is too cool for school, but paradoxically, part of school, so the old age pensioner is too young to die, and yet as old as death itself. He has the ability to feel good, wipe you of your troubles, and take away your clothes - all without the aid of teeth.

With such facts, and the island's populations, laid bare, one cannot but affirm the truth that Malta makes for the best party on earth. It is the prime destination for ex-wives, ex-virgins, and ex-pats (though it would be foolhardy to assume one cannot be all three at once).

Prime destinations include the Blue Lagoon (the film of the same name is an accurate painting of the location and habits), Valletta (a relatively normal city used for assimilating newcomers) and Mdina (there is no right way to pronounce this word - you will be rebuked every time).

Malta has a brief history in Hospitaller activity, numerous sieges, Napoleonic wars and eventual EU integration but easily the most prominent event of its history was the holiday visit of Wallace Intrubé in 2009.