My name is Eschelph Vincetrime, and I come from the glorious, spamful land of Fooblesnit, where the grass grows lush and purple, the zxcvbnm trees are fruitful, and the meadows shimmer with snarglebarf flowers. The blue mice crinkle happily in the meadows as the flying cats chase them through the orthoclines and back again. Here everything is shiny and colourful; even the shadows are tinged with pink.
The great and terrible Suhfusdgh has chosen us and blessed us with eternal shininess, provided we obey the infinite wisdom of his seventeen commandments, or wqert uuqywt in our native language of Asdfghjkl, that formed the alliance between him and us. We must also pray to him in Asdfghjkl seventeen times a day, facing in the direction of Oshguerheiojh, the home town of Suhfusdgh's prophet Rfcrfce where he was initially rejected but finally saved from their sins. Finally, we must obey the laws that were laid out to Rfcrfce by Dxwsxzqazqa, the messenger of Suhfusdgh, in the book known as the Rwrqtequyeq. We must obey them fully, literally and without question, for they are the infallible word of Suhfusdgh, and all those who disobey him will be sent to hell, or ofaiofu, but all those who submit to him and please him will be sent to bqpwoeriqpweuioqwp, the land of all that is shiny, or paradise.
Our religion is called Qwerftvg, and we are called Bfbfbqyeuyewys, literally those who submit to Suhfusdgh. To you the name most likely evokes thoughts of terrorists who burn down houses with green flames, women handcuffed to mouldy cactuses for putting gum in their husbands' hair, mice drowned in hot tea, and other such horrible things, but those things stem from a misinterpretation of the Rwrqtequyeq and the Seventeen Commandments. Qwerftvg is actually a very liberal, peaceful religion that promotes women's rights, but the societies of most Bfbfbqyeuyewy nations are dominated by those who would pervert it into something it is not, should not be and was never intended to be. Those who do these things will surely be punished when their day of reckoning comes; but while they are alive there is nothing we can do but fight for our rights that were given to us in the Rwrqtequyeq and the Commandments, and pray every day seventeen times that Suhfusdgh will strike down the sinners who do not follow his words.
Fooblesnit, my native country, is the last Bfbfbqyeuyewy society on this earth that has not brought such dishonour upon itself. We have done nothing wrong. I have done nothing wrong. You saw my green skin, my purple hair, my ears and my tail, and decided immediately that I was one of the terrorists from the sinful countries. But you were wrong. Please let me go.