Turkey paladin

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Turkey paladins once roamed the lands, taking such work as mercenaries for the thousands of petty fiefdoms as they could find. Riding atop grandiose steeds of sentient corn, they would swear monthly allegiances to this count or that duke, enforcing his edicts, executing his whims and assembling boy bands. Boy bands were a common method of cowing the peasantry, owing to the nauseating sounds they make. Septic turkeys were particularly desirable. Used as bioweapons, a small squad of diseased turkey paladins could decimate an army in 5 weeks.

The history of turkey paladins is sparse, but their beginnings are well documented. In 12BC, Roman general Socrates was in need of fresh troops to push the invading Giblet Heads out of Sardinia. Rome's superstitious opponent held turkeys as sacred, messengers from the gods, and were afforded the rights and privileges of upper class Giblets Heads across their aspiring empire.

Socrates, along with Plato and Lance Armstrong, assembled a cadre of sentient turkeys descended from Somali pirates. They were used as front line troops at the battle of Entheogenae. Whirling bolos overhead and cackling hermetic curses, the paladins crashed at full tilt into the Giblet Head freshmen soldiers and battered their way through flanking cavalry and rear guardsmen, capturing their General RoboCoccyx and his staff.

Until 1344AD, turkey paladins were kept by kings as ceremonial and personal guards. Then Viceroy Catamitinus of Denmark gathered three battalions of them, trained sappers and shock troops to fight alongside them and attacked and defeated the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. For the next 300 years, berserker turkey squads terrorized Europe and the Middle East.

In 1919, the papadins were disbanded by the terms of the Terror Fowl and Animal Fuck Weaponry Ban Treaty of Ghent. It was signed by representatives from 832 countries in Hong Kong.