User:RAHB/Special Reasons To Get It

If you don't know all of the extremely special reasons to get it, then you simply haven't seen what it can offer. The special reasons abound in justification of acquisition of this thing. Wealth beyond your wildest dreams. Wealth beyond your friends' wildest dreams. Wealth beyond your friend Jimmy's comparatively not so wild dreams, he's got a sleeping disorder. I'm not saying I signed him up for illegal medical testing administered by a cryptic shadow-government agency. But I'm not saying I won't.

In fact, I'm not saying anything at all. I'm just a ladder on the stairway to your soul. Don't let me get you down, I'll bring you all around. If wealth isn't your bag, then there are several other special reasons to get it. It makes an arousing tie and hankie combo in a pinch, and on Wednesdays it even makes an arousing pinch in a tie and hankie combo. It's almost alive, for crying out loud! Can you really afford to not be as special as this is?

Surely you cannot, sir.

I am here to help. I've been trained in these kinds of procedures, and afterwards you won't even notice the scar. Well, you'll notice it, but only in a searing pain sort of way, it won't be visible to the human eye. The searing pain will be visible, but not the scar. Admittedly it's a rather strange procedure...

She pinged reasons to happen to get push to hell get up it has been talking about? That's what I thought. You're not going to get very far without it, so why don't I show you some of the extra special features? For example, it's not unlike a cherry tree. Granted, you're unlikely to be able to chop it down, but if you try really hard you may be able to make the Guinness Book Of World Records for most spirited attempt at chopping it down. It's little consolation for not having been able to actually chop it down, I know, but at least it isn't a Swedish frogskin wallet. That would be bloody awful.

Okay, I'm moving to look now. I can't see it but I assume it's absolutely fabulous. Try sending to answer edit your hand. Er, sorry, I just had a minor stroke. What I meant to say was that this little number here can not only clean your windshield, your glasses, your coffee maker, your floors, your kitchen counters, your cabinets, your car, and your brain itself, but it can also jump on a truth! It just jumps right on! Google that necessary ladder. And when you do, could you direct me to where they might be selling it? I seem to have lost my necessary ladder. Being a ladder myself, I suppose that's not much of an issue, but it was called a necessary ladder, so it was quite important.

Fishing!

It can bait your hooks! Wow! It's like a Cosmic Fisherman. You've heard of the Pocket Fisherman, well this is slightly different. You keep it in the cosmos, instead of your pocket. It is, otherwise, identical though. This does not cause as much confusion as you might think, as the Cosmic Fisherman is about thirty thousand times as large as the Pocket Fisherman, and is currently in orbit of Saturn, making it conveniently distinguishable.

Don't take my word for it, though. If you put one on your tongue you'll know what I'm talking about. In fact, you'd be immediately convinced. Unfortunately, certain government regulations prevent us from allowing people to put it on their tongue before getting it, so you are going to have to take my word on that part. It's nothing personal, I'm just not a roundworm. If I were a roundworm, this whole process would be much easier. But I'd also be bald. Can't have that.

Now, there's really no reason why these sorts of things shouldn't be got. After all, they're perfectly benign, come in a convenient carrying case, and included with every fifth one is a small incomplete map of Europe, melted onto a piece of scrap metal with a soldering iron. It's not that it makes them collectible or anything, it just makes traveling through some parts of Budapest a little easier. Some parts it makes more difficult, because an incomplete map simply isn't all that practical in every situation. But don't tell me you've never tried it. Everybody has, it's just that no one talks about it. Makes it very difficult to establish a fan club, I'll tell you that.

I sure hope you aren't the Harvester Of Eyes

No matter. What we've got here is a thing that'll seriously turn a basketball into a rose garden, and I'm not even talking about the lamination. I wish I could be talking about the lamination, but I'm no longer allowed. The lamination is officially off limits. So don't ask me to talk about it. I could get into some serious trouble with the Rhino King. Then where would we be? Three feet deep in a parrot hamper, that's where.

But don't let that bother you. More important matters are at foot. And speaking of feet, this thing can really jump high! Boy, I've never seen something like this take on the entire Space Needle like that. That takes courage. That takes determination. That takes the cake. Where is that cake when you need it? It's right in the thing! You are really inconveniencing yourself if you aren't holding the cake you need in this thing. Take a tip from the squid. Make it a shell, make it a workplace comedy, but just make it 1999. Great year for tennis. Not so great year for buffalo wings. But most of them have gone bad by now anyway, so it's not that big a deal.

Now, look. If you don't want to get this thing then I'll walk away. Just say the word.

Okay. Bye.