User talk:Jack Phoenix

Welcome to ?pedia! Hope you enjoy your stay. Please leave your nouns in the locker room (behind the the door marked "LOLCHEESE") So anyway, this is a pseudo-official greeting from a user who may or may not be an admin/sysop/werewolf, so here come the obligatory links to pages to help you out and tell you "Don't be teh vandal kthx": Our beginner's guide is here If you want more info on ?pedia, 'tis right here, and in case you've come from Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia or some other "humour" wiki, we also recommend that you understand how ?pedia is different from other wikis A less sensible explanation of our beloved 'pedia is here Our general disclaimer is not here, but here --> LOOKIE Don't be afraid to visit us on IRC DISCORD The rules, such as "ROFL KILL THE BABIESN'T PLZN'T (notn't)" are here. People breaking the rules will have a koala thrown at them, and may also possibly receive a Chinese burn. So, that's all for now... Please be nice, make great articles and help contribute to our community in any way possible: e.g. template making, voting for articles or users, et cetera. ~ The Illogicopedia Welcoming Committee “NO ACTUALLY, YOU'RE TERRIBLE AND WE HOPE YOU DIE.” ~ The Illogicopedia Community on welcoming new members

Whether it's through compulsory community service for crimes we won't go into or just personal choice, you've just joined illogicopedia. First and foremost, may I take your coat *rifles through the pockets*. This greeting if not nailed to your forehead (or applied forcefully with No More Nails) is most likely from an admin/werewolf/Jonas the Happy Vandal/Sysop which makes it excellent, so RELAX. Now we're all relaxed, I'll quickly get through the bits you need to know (rules and where to go etc, and my bribe of course): If you're actually a vandal then prepare to be squashed by an oversized novelty sandal. If you're a complete beginner to wiki's then you may want to click here. If you're nibbling on any cheese or cookies at the moment, STOP! ...Hammer Time! Those are for Santa - our resident stuttering old perv. Just so you know what we're about (the life drawing class is left of that pop-up) I'd advise clicking here. I have to emphasise the section "In comparison to other wikis", just incase you're a fleeing uncyclopedia/uncycling flea user etc. Any featured work will be rewarded with a gold star (to put on your Christmas tree) whilst any !$"?@#!1*&!! work will be rewarded with a swift slap to the chops. If you turn out to infact be a brilliant user and aren't at this point laughing at the huge crater you've made where the Illogia once stood then you could be elidgible for Writer of the Month (or at least an unofficial Insane/Dedication award). If all else fails drink holy water and watch as a big hole-y forms through your heart. If it all goes horribly wrong and the police find your stash of Nuclear warheads, have broken into your house, and the ghost busters are unavailable then you should probably franticly claw for help in the direction of these guys. If you want to wear a funny wig and sit in a house full of commoners or lards then a political party membership may be for you. I recommend the Strangled Cats party. When we finally figure out you're the user that keeps stealing our pocessions we're going to need to keep in touch with you (so we can get a clear shot at ya :P). So please feel free to leave comments on user's talk pages or our sparkling forum. You can talk to us directly on our IRC chatroom. Now all that's left is the complimentary welcoming mint, and my bribe. £<insert number with more zeroes than Binary Code at the end of it here> please. Make all cheques payable to hell.

Herro, newbie. Welcome to Hell, a synonym for "Illogicopedia." While you're here, it's best that you eat, sleep, nose the cheese, and fnurdle. Happy sodomy, because

Twoandtwoalwaysmakesafive (Break my front door down.)

02:11, 15 Jumbly 2015 (UTC)

Rar?

What happens when I unpack Jack Phoenix? Also, you've been selected as target of my manic diatribe, to begin immediately. Since the pupa swells, a feminine declension for the house of Cancer will rue the day you robbed the wren of ratcheted drinking knives. Go forth, if you must, but beware the Dia, for they no longer accept Mastercard. In fact, to defy their will is to force the right breast to grow significantly larger than the left. By sectioning off rapid drying sizzle forks, a camera may be inserted into the festering doors.

Also, don't sign anything with an ammonia smell to it. If a warden approaches you wearing crotchless panties on the outside of his uniform, or has a piece of PVC pipe embedded in his head, be sure to tip him at least 14%. Notice I did not say he or she. That's because women cannot be wardens in Sectors 6 through 77 inclusive. This is not a sexist policy of the Illogicopedian Secret Services, but rather due to the ability of of feral demonic elves to hypnotize women and make them think they're kangaroos and need to hop off to market for some deck paint and a bucket of swine flu.

Do pick up after yourself when using the break room. We have marmosets living in the walls, and they'll hunt you down if you leave muffing crumbs in the microwave, or a coffee spill on the changing table. Also, be careful of the wolverines in the fourth floor hallway. They will tear you apart if they smell turnips on you. (kaizum me) 03:16, 15 Jumbly 2015 (UTC)