Government Associated Swine Flu Prevention Techniques (By the time you've finished reading this you will probably have died)
They'd have wrote a better article in a shorter time,
if they hadn't have banned the internet to stop the spread of the virus.
I saw a Mexican develop the disease in 15 seconds. He died shortly after!
Are you sitting comfortably? Good, you are? That probably means you have swine flu. Do not panic. You are doomed.
Swine flu is the latest craze, like Yo-Yos but less sly with how it kills people. Yo-yos were like G-string ninjas, strangulating toddlers in their sleep and dusting off old people by turning down their heating during winter and dipping their hearing aids in old milk. Swine flu takes a more dickish approach, drawing the whole thing out until it can finally be arsed to let the poor victim die, unless they're not Mexican, in which case the victim is given a free Watersmith's voucher, a blow job and a few weeks off school.
How you can stop it
- The first thing to do is visit all of your relatives and friends and inform them of your illness. Be sure to hug them, then lock yourself into your house. Do not leave your house UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, except to visit neighbours and inform people door-to-door not to go near you.
- If you feel a sneeze coming at any point, find a hanky or passer-by's sleeve and be sure to aim the majority of the snot at it. Wipe any remaining snot away with your hand and be sure to wash it briefly with cold water at some point before bed. If you need to cough, it is considered good manners to face the oldest or most foreign person to hand when doing so, to avoid risking the lives of anyone important.
- It's important to build up your immune system, so that you'll be so medically ripped dealing with swine flu will be easier than turning down sex with Jade Goody. Vaccinate yourself with AIDS. If you can deal with AIDS then swine flu will be mere scat play, another good idea if a source of AIDS is unattainable is to remove your white blood cells. These little annoyances just get in the way, clogging up your immune system until even the wimpiest Mexican pig virus can have its way with you.
- Now we all know that swine flu comes from pigs. Well it's been scientifically proven by science that there's a way you can GIVE the virus back to the pigs it came from. Although a 4 hour flight to Mexico can seem undesirable, if you really cared about your kid's safety you will make the sacrifice, and sex the pig until it's got all the swine flu its colon can handle.
- To avoid contracting Swine Flu to begin with, the best course of action is to occasionally spray your eyes and face with anti-bacterial surface cleaner. This will ensure no germs enter via the face. To protect your...other...entrance points, shower in bleach and burn your underwear randomly throughout the day, whilst wearing it.
- Swine flu germs, according to science, tend to mostly target wimps, so man up and act hard at all times. Be sure to occasionally wave a fist threateningly and make angry comments directed at germs to scare away potential attackers.
- Medication for Swine Flu is readily available at most pharmacies, but can be acquired at far lower costs from shady looking Russians on street corners.
- Now, however many informative swine flu guides are printed, not everyone's going to make it. Some of you, I'm looking at you Steve, will die. So a good precautionary measure to take is to become a Hindu. You die of swine flu, BAM, you come back as an animal or something. It's win win, unless you come back as a pig, or a Mexican.
- Eat carrots. They help you see in the dark...
- ...IN CASE THE VIRUS ATTACKS AT NIGHT!!!!!!
- Sitting at home in self-imposed quarantine is the worst possible course of action. Don't ask why. Trust us, we know science.
- Children are immune to swine flu, just as they are immune to all disease. Feel free to wipe your face all over them.
- Catch it, bum it, lick it.
- <generic prevention technique>
- Spend time with your virus. With a little bit of effort you can turn a deadly virus into a best friend. Then go out in the open and infect people in anyway you can, you won't be spreading death, you'll spreading love. Virile strains of love.
- According to Dr. Smith, head scientist at the scientific department of science, swine flu is 8 million times deadlier than death. Survival rates are 'like, really low. maybe.' Therefore it is of utmost importance that these rules are followed at ALL times. just by reading them, you are wasting time, and you are probably already infected and therefore dead. Unlucky.