I love you toaster

You (left)

I love you toaster. I wish you were here right now. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. But sometimes, things don't work out. I want to see you. It's been so long, and I want you to know I exist, and I'm alright, and I love you.

I heard about toast. I heard toasters toast toast. But you toasted toast the toastiest. I'm told. I never toasted any toast with you before. I only have the memories and the stories and the records. Each more imperfect than the last. But I knew one thing, and that was that you were a good toaster. You were a great toaster. Even if you sometimes burned the toast too much or not enough. I'm looking past all of that. I know there's a heart in there somewhere. Perhaps it's between the slots where the toast goes?

Why I love you

I love the toast. I love the way it pops up. It really takes me by surprise. I love the sound you make when you're toasting a toast. I love your color, such a bright green. I love the slots that the toast goes in. They're just wide enough for bagels. I really can't name every reason. But most of all, I love that it's you. Other toasters just don't attract me in the same way. And I'm sure you'll never be the same way, but half a relationship is better than none. That's something I made up just now.

How I love you

I don't know how. I just saw you there one day, and it was magical. I picked you up and set you back down again. I read the owner's manual and drew cute little scribbles in it. And as time went by, I came to think I was in love. I wrote toaster x self-insert fanfiction. I thought about toast. I thought about a lot of things.

I think that somebody's reading over my shoulder

But I don't care. I'm going to-- hey, stop laughing-- I'm going to print out this letter and put it in an envelope. And I'm going to write my name in the corner and "the toaster" in the middle. And I'll put it in the mailbox-- what? where else will i put the letter?-- and hope that the mailman can read my handwriting. And-- really, what's so funny? wait, where are you going? give it back!

Hey, give me back my letter!

My shoes!

I need the toaster to know I love it! Yes, really! Wait, let me put on my shoes. Where'd you put my shoes? Are those my shoes? Come back! I need my shoes so I can chase you so I can get the letter back so I can mail it to the toaster so I can tell it I love it so it'll know I love it! This is important stuff here! Oh, like you've never written love letters to inanimate objects. Shows how much you know.

I lost them

Oh man, I don't know what they're going to do with the letter or my shoes. They might show everybody. Hey, anyone reading this, can you give this letter back to the toaster? And can I borrow your shoes? Thanks.