IllogiNews:Klondike bar eats Cthulhu

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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

In Soviet Russia...

So this morning I woke up in the company of my usual death-dealing Monday hangover, and then I realized I was in someone else's company as well. Someone was in my bed. I mean, someone besides me. After steeling myself for the worst, I peeled back one sticky eyelid and looked around.

And there, on the pillow next to mine, was a spider.

A spider about three feet across, covered with hair and eyes. And all its eyes were looking at me.

I was about to run for the door, when I realized I couldn't see the door; it -- along with half the bedroom -- was entirely covered in spider webs. Not cute little dew covered webs, either. Webs made of thick, sticky, nasty looking ropes at least an inch thick. And then I noticed that there were several other spiders -- large, economy-size, Walmart-special-wow-have-we-got-a-deal-for-you spiders lurking in the darker corners of the masses of web filling the room.

I touched the nearest bit of web, cautiously. It "burned".

I started to move off the bed, thinking maybe I could jump out the window. The spider on the bed hissed at me. I gave that idea up right quick.

And then I realized the window had been webbed up, as well. I guess I'm stuck here.

Oh, well, at least I have my cell phone.

So I can post news stories like this one to Illogicopedia, and other important stuff, until the spider decides to let me go (or I get eaten, or whatever).

Boy do I hate Mondays.