IllogiNews:Music store fined £50,000 for mis-selling kittens

This article is moosely in content, and has attracted the attention of Observer.

MI5 is pursuing a theory that feral cats are learning brass in anticipation of a musician shortage. They take their cues from American migrant laborers, and may even have ties to them and the IRA.

27 SEPTEMBER 2015

CLACTON, UK -- A Essex music store has been fined £50,000 today by the Office of Fair Trading, after kittens were found inside tubas, tenor horns and trombones.

The little critters were found inside the instruments on 14 September, after meowing noises were noticed during a tuba rehearsal by the Clacton Brass Orchestra. When the village hall that they were practicing in said that they had no cats, or had any cats in the area, members of the orchestra grew very confused at the sound of the cats, until 47-year-old Gillian Davis held her tuba upside down by accident and found that at least three kittens had fallen out of the instrument.

The instruments were purchased from Brass Sound of Clacton-on-Sea, in mid-August of this year. The owner of the shop, 57-year-old Felis Montague, still denies any responsibility, even if the OFT report found that the "insertion of kittens into instruments was used to covertly justify a price rise of up to 10% for all instruments".

"Some little nutter walked into here in the dead of night with a van with some kittens and shoved them inside the holes of the brass instruments." said Mr. Montague. However, embarrassingly, CCTV footage showed that Mr. Montague may have actually done this himself.

The little critters have since been sent to various catteries and rescue homes in order to be owned as pets. In another incident, the Defence Science and Technology Laboratory have since started to investigate the use of trombone kitten missiles, after a lone user in Southend found that playing the trombone with high force caused a kitten to fly approximately 1,000m long and 13m high.

Guillaume était ici...