User:Twoandtwoalwaysmakesafive/"An Interstellar Burst, I'm Back To Save The Universe."

From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search


Disclaimer: This is a twerk work of fiction. All names, characters, places, and incidents were a product of this author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or events are purely coincidental. Fnurdletoot!

BOOK ONE: THE END.[edit]

Prologue[edit]

MORNING BELL!
MORNING BELL!

No...

RELEEEEEAAASE ME!
RELEEEEEAAASE ME!

This - this c-can't be happening...

WHERE'D YOU PARK THE CAR?
WHERE'D YOU PARK THE CAR?

There's no way she would've ever let this happen...!

I MIGHT AS WELL!
I MIGHT AS WELL!

This is it, then. It's over.

ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND!

Goodbye, Subterranea. My time is up here.

...

What?

...

Chapter 1: It's Coming.[edit]

Everybody knew that it was coming. It was inevitable. I, on the other hand, didn't need to worry at all, because I wasn't going to be around to see it happen in the first place! So all I had to do was kick back, relax, and watch everybody around me scramble towards safety, break down in the middle of the street in panic, and maybe even loot the nearby businesses and shops. If only they were as fortunate as I am right now...

Sorry, I'm getting too ahead of myself.

My name is Irene. If you want to go into detail, my full name is Irene Rosalyn Meister, I am 14 going on 15 years old, I am of Greek and Italian descent, and I am the daughter and only child of Michael Hugh Meister, who, in case you didn't know, is the Secretary of Environmental Affairs to (you guessed it) the freaking President of the United States! Oh, the utter sarcasm of that statement!

Yeah, I know my dad holds a prominent position in the US government, but he and I both agree that it sucks. Every time the Prez holds a cabinet meeting, nobody listens to my dad on anything he has to say! I bet they wouldn't even care if he said that there's a giant red unicorn being ridden by a thirty-foot-tall Viking with a machine gun and hand grenades that's rampaging through the nation's capital followed by a mob of mutated cats that shoot baseballs out of their eyes and breathe fire!

Geez, I need to get a grip!

The real reason why no one listens to my dad is because everyone thinks he's some sort of hippy for being Secretary of Environmental Affairs, when he reality he's not. You will never find my dad wearing stuff that would make him look like a psychedelic rock star from the 70s that carries an acoustic guitar wherever he goes and does "molly and grass." He always explains to me that the president and other board members typically ignore him because they prioritize what will benefit individuals and corporations rather than the ecosystem and the natural balance of things. I could just bore you with that, but with what is about to happen, it seems we wouldn't have time to explain it here anyway. I can tell you, however, that if it weren't for my dad, no one on Earth would've known that this was going to happen.

What exactly is going to happen, you ask? Well, I'm not allowed to tell you, but judging by what you see around you, I don't think you'd want to know anyway...

Chapter 2: It's Arrived.[edit]

Well, talk about perfect timing!

Oh, I forgot to mention this. I'm actually in my fortress of utter opulence! In other words, my dad's mansion. Also, when I mentioned the fact that I would just have to kick back, relax, and watch everybody around me go in a complete panic, I meant that I was just watching all this happen on TV while sitting on my favorite recliner. Why? Well... why not?

Anyway, the escort just arrived. A guy in a brown suit wearing a bullet-proof vest on top of it came in rudely without knocking (hey, I know the world is practically ending, but that's not an excuse for people to lose their courtesy!), followed by two martial law police officers. "Good afternoon, Mr. Meister," the brown suited guy said. "I would hate to rush you now at the moment, but it is imperative that you and your daughter get to the escort immediately to avoid annihilation." He had a very monotone voice, and that's when I realized that he was an android sent form the good ol' government that pretends to love and care for us all; after all, diversity is strength, right?

My dad didn't answer. "My apologies, Mr. Meister. I was not properly informed on how you are currently bearing the loss of your wife at the moment-"

"OF COURSE NOT, YOU EMOTIONLESS SCRAP HEAP! INSTEAD OF RECOGNIZING THE FACT THAT SHE WAS A LOVING WIFE AND MOTHER, THOSE MINDLESS SOCIOPATHS IN THE BUNKERS SAID THAT SHE WAS JUST A RESULT OF COLLATERAL DAMAGE!"

I was really hoping not to go there, with my mom and all. I always end up curled in a ball crying my head off. I know I hadn't described how my dad is right now at this moment, and I was hoping to put it off to some other time. Oh well.

My dad took the loss of my mother worse than I did when a different guy in a brown suit that was an actual human told us that Mom died as a result of being caught in the middle of a mob that was tearing the place apart and murdering innocent people in the process while she was just trying to head home from her job as a lawyer nearby. She was trying to break from it the entire time, but the mob was so big that it was impossible to break free. Then, suddenly, the military had to intervene. The military never takes chances, so instead of trying to hold off the mob and killing only when absolutely necessary... they just shot every single one of them down. Men, women, and even children who were forced to go against their will were strewn all across the street in an absolutely brutal and bloody scene of murder. I know, because I had to go through there alongside my father to find and identify my mom's body.

She wore her favorite indigo dress that day.

"Mr. Meister, although you are presently in the time of grieving, it is still imperative that these officers and I take you and your daughter to your escort quickly and safely. I do not wish to resort to having these two officers taking you and her out by force."

My father had already become a sobbing mess at the time, so I had to rush toward him and tell him that if we don't follow the guy in the brown suit, we'll all die. "I've already died, Irene. No earthly power can save us from the inevitable," he said. "But dad, what would mom want from you? Wouldn't she want us to live on?" "Not just us, Irene; the rest of the world, too."

"Mr. Meister!"

With that, my dad sucked it up, wiped his face on his sleeves (he was only wearing a flannel, an old pair of jeans, and his only pair of boots) and walked with me and the other three men outside to our escort.

The sky had turned orange, as if we were in the middle of a giant dust storm. As far as I could see, the downfall of human civilization was all over the place. Fires, dead bodies, people in complete panic, gunshots, glass breaking, screaming, explosions. We all ran to where the escort was parked. I was trying to see what it was, since I was expecting to see a car that was in perfect government-issue condition. Suddenly, I saw it and was immediately filled with the excitement of the little girl I used to be. The escort was a tank!

Chapter 3: It's Gonna Happen Anytime Soon...[edit]

Even though tanks are totally awesome in every way possible, the only downside to them is space. All of us barely fit in there, and within seconds the inside became really stuffy.

So here we are, cramped into a giant metal behemoth of destruction, going along a very bumpy road in the midst of the chaos of apocalypse, waiting to reach our destination. Boring much? I mean, there's always the occasional firing of a round to clear our path, and the occasional gunfire aimed at us that makes these super annoying metallic clinks and clanks, but when you're a teenager, anything can get boring.

I wonder how it's like out there, with all that blood and gore painting the str-

"TURN THIS THING AROUND RIGHT NOW, DRIVER!" my dad bellowed.

"What seems to be the issue, Mr. Meister?" said the android.

"Don't you guys realize that there's a giant sinkhole about 600 feet away?!"

"No one questions the authority I follow!!!"

A shifting of gears[edit]

Enter illogic.

BOOK TWO: THE END OF LOGIC.[edit]

Chapter 1: What's all this pretty red stuff coming out of my nose and the dark red stub that used to be my right leg?[edit]

"Oh, the hue-manatee! The car got caught in the fire and drowned while attempting to cut the kids in half! It had lost its way, wishing not to be bothered whatsoever, living in its own fantasy! Oh, the hue-manatee!"

"Quiet down, Myxy! You'll stop her train of thought-"

"The clothes were all around with the furniture! The keys were lost to the car! Potatoes grew out of my eyes-"

"Enough, Myxy!"

(poof)

"What a delusional hedonist. I will not miss his incorrigible presence for the remainder of the day."

What did I just hear?

"That was Myxos, the one responsible for my daily neural genocide."

Wait-

"Yes, Irene: I am within your subconscious."

Huh? My sub-conches?

"Subconscious."

So... you're in my head?

"It would make sense to put it that way."

...Why?

"Things that you might not be able to fathom in the slightest sense. If you do, however, I do not believe that you would be compelled to believe them either, Irene."

I've read Republic by Plato. Would that be enough to understand the universe or nah?

"Republic merely covers the philosophy of 'the just man' within what Plato saw as a just democratic society. You would not find any instance of a great universal sentience that so few have ever tapped into, moreover claim to have done so."

Are you some super-spiritual guru that has found the secret to unlocking the universe by spreading the love; "peace, bro"?

"If I were to be such a heinously ignorant being like that before you, you would most likely have been persuaded to go back in time with me to go to the first Woodstock festival ever."

You got me there... Can you actually do that, though? I mean, it's Woodstock for crying out loud-

"Seriously?"

Sorry. So, why am I - no, why are you in my head? What happened?

"That was the point I have been attempting to pursue throughout a small portion of this relatively enlightening conversation, Irene. Unfortunately, I used a few real-world examples of other points that were made that sidetracked the both of us."

Hey, you're the one that brought up Woodstock.

"And you are the one who attempted to make an irrelevant connection to a piece of philosophical literature."

Okay, whatever. So what's the deal with you being in my head?

"Something had happened that would have been deemed impossible by your standards, if not scientific standards."

Which was...?

"..."

Lemme guess: it's beyond my pathetic human perception, or I just wouldn't believe it.

"In all honesty, it's a bit of the latter and the fact that you would be dead, had there not been an intervention of the Collected."

The Collected? Is that a rip-off of the Collective? Why would a band-

"The Collected, persistent juvenile, is the reason why you are alive. They saw what you are capable of doing alongside your father-"

STOP!

What!?

FOR IT IS BY THE INTENT OF THE CONQUEROR THAT ALL WHO-

"The Conqueror... he's in on this!? I must depart from you, Irene. Things may not go pleasantly from here."

What's going on-

"WHEN YOU SEE A MAN, IRENE, YOU SEE A LION!"

Chapter 2: Ful Stop[edit]

Suspended.

Perception is at a standstill.

All that has ever been and known has come up with nothing of redeeming value to the eyes.

Weightless.

Inexplicably aware.

Confounded.

Analyzing.

Concerned.

Imagining.

Premeditating.

Waiting.












Seeing.

Not believing.

Denying.

It's stupefying.

Crying.

Screaming.

Bleeding.

Exploding.

...Dreaming?[edit]

YAAAGH!

No... nonononononono - where am I!?

"Hello?!" I yelled out.

Everything was pitch black. I was on a bed, that's for sure, but something told me that this wasn't my bed; it was a bit smaller and softer than my mattress at home, and the pillows were practically flattened... no wonder my neck was stiff. The sheets were silky smooth, and the comforter was nice and fluffy and warm. It helped against the frigid cold of the room.

Wait, this room is... it's freezing! I quickly tucked myself back into the bed and drew the comforter over my head and as close to my body as possible, being careful not to let any cold air in. I opened up a small gap to let myself breathe, but it got so cold within my makeshift cocoon when I did that - literally within seconds - that I couldn't risk having my eye sockets frozen into an eternally freakish stare and have them melted by staring at a huge heat lamp that would end up making me blind, so I closed the gap and drew the comforter closer. The thought of that frozen stare was terrifying.

Surprisingly, I was able to breathe underneath the thick comforter as if I had an oxygen tank with me. But then I had the next issue outside my breathable cocoon of warmth: where am I? Upon reaching that thought, I became very nervous about leaving the bed. Sure, it still might be pitch black everywhere I see, but what if I try to climb out of bed and try to... I dunno... find the light-switch? Would I be ambushed? Would I fall down an infinite hole? Would I sink into ice-cold water and suffer the same fate as Leonardo DiCaprio? Or would I step onto solid flooring, take overly-cautious steps around the room (that is, if I'm actually in a room in the first place), feel around for a light switch (or lamp, if I don't accidentally break it in the dark), flip the switch, and find myself in a bedroom?

You know what they say about living once!

I throw off the comforter and I am immediately blasted - no, bombarded - by the insanely cold air. It was coming straight down from above, so I drew it over my head. The cold left me paralyzed for a few seconds, and I knew it was going to take me a few minutes to warm up my body again. However, everything was still as black as a black hole as I had previously guessed. Since I've just been taken back to square one, perhaps I should wait this one out a bit... Man, this comforter's warm...

There is a very distant echo, and it stops my thought processes dead in its tracks. I couldn't tell if it was a door opening or an object falling on the ground, but whatever it was essentially told me that I was not alone.