Afterlife Management Board
“Take a number.”
They say when you die, you see your life flash before you... but then, you wake up. All you see is a counter. An electronic dispenser machine shrieks, 'Take a number. Do it. Now!' You take a number. On it is written: 'AMB' and then a long string of numbers.
You get up. You find yourself in an extremely spacious hall, counters lining the golden panelled halls. A bright light shines from above. So this is what Heaven looks like. you say to yourself.
Wait? Heaven? This can't be heaven. It's... like... a waiting room. Is this Purgatory?
It must be.
A long line of people stand in front, after what seems like hours or days, you get to the front of the room. A man, dressed in black clothes, is attending. He says, 'I am an angel.'
'An angel?! But you don't have wings!'
'That's what they all say. Angels don't have wings. Anyway, there's no such thing as heaven. It was all lies made up by that stupid announcement.
'Right then. Before you can see the afterlife you need to sign this waiver. WATCH OUT!!!'
At this moment, a huge stone slab, about twenty metres by ten, drops from the roof. You get out in time. You discover that it is marked with various 'Compliance Policy' and 'HeavenTM Entrance Policies', written in very small text. A magnifying glass drops out of a hole. You scan the glass over the tiny text.
Mmm... 'ARTICLE 16,652... ARTICLE 16,701... ARTICLE 16,911... RIGHT THEN: SIGN HERE!'
The weird angel announces, 'Welcome to HeavenTM!'
Soon, you're in heaven. You don't see clouds. Instead, you see... more rooms panelled in gold? The angel is gone, and weird people walk the hallways. Soon, you hear a noise. It's an announcement. 'Beep-beep-beep-beep! Attention <insert name here> please go to counter 144,000. This has been a pre-recorded message by HeavenTM'. Yes, they really did pronounce the 'TM'.
You look around and see that you are close to Counter 216.
I most certainly thought that this was eternal paradise, not a long heavenly bus line that goes to Orpington! I sign those papers, yet they throw me into another area!
So, you commence the long expedition to Counter 144,000.
Months later, you arrive. Waiting at the counter is the most beautiful heavenly female being you have ever laid eyes upon that is radiating with light and is wearing a white tunic.
"<insert name here>, correct?"
"Yes. And... You are?"
"Pleased to meet you, <insert name here>. My name is Celeste, and I will be your guide and personal assistant during your eternal stay here in paradise! We are so glad you have become a part of us!"
"Well, first things first: Let's find your eternal residence! Follow me, please."
You follow her into a hidden elevator. Celeste then presses a button labeled "R" and the doors close.
The elevator suddenly shoots up at an unbelievable speed that immediately makes you collapse. Celeste, however, is still standing. She helps you up.
"Don't worry, <insert name here>. You'll get used to this pretty soon!"
Now, after about 30 seconds, the elevator has arrived in what looks pretty weird, like some really foggy park with a lot of birds. "This way, <insert name here>." Celeste says.
And plunges you into a pit of lava!
"What?" you asked, and Celeste, already returning to the AMB, says, "The Bible is advertising, this is the real deal."