Petroleum jelly

It may be useful to point out beforehand that Alex and Chubson work at Asda in Norwich. Now you may read the article and understand it. Or not.

Chubson: “Hey Alex.”

Alex: “What?”

Chubson: “That girl who you like is over there.”

Alex: “OMG WHERE?”

Chubson: “Over there by the plastic meat stall.”

Alex: “That is the kids toy section you know Chubson.”

Chubson: “Is it? What have I been eating for lunch today then?”

Alex: “OMG she’s looking this way! And smiling…”

Chubson: “I bet you can’t ask her out without shaking with nerves.”

Alex: “I bet you I can!”

Chubson: “Go on then I dare you.”

Alex: “OKAY THEN I WILL!”

Chubson: “FINE!”

Alex: “FINE!!!”

(He walks over to Miss Purdy)

Alex: “Er… hello Miss Purdy. I uh, erhem… was wondering if er….”

(Shakes like hell)

Miss Purdy: “EARTHQUAKE! RUN!”

(Miss Purdy Runs away)

Alex: “Wait no! Come back! I love you Miss Purdy! Aw damn! Can’t stop using ‘!’ !”

(Alex Returns to Chubson)

Chubson: “How did it go?”

Alex: “Not very well my friend. Not very well.”

Chubson: “Oh look, a post it note that has been conveniently placed at the bottom of your foot.”

Alex: “It’s pretty notable”

Chubson: “Not able to do what?”

Alex: “No, it’s a note on my foot”

Chubson: “A footnote?”

Alex: “Precisely!”

Chubson: “What does it say?”

Alex: “Uh oh… I have to see the supervisor.”

Chubson: “THAT’S NOT GOOD!!!”

Alex: “I KNOW IT'S NOT!!!”

Chubson: “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???”

Supervisor: “WILL YOU TWO PIPE DOWN? YOU’RE SCARING THE CUSTOMERS!”

Customers: Wahhh! Boo hoo!

Chubson: “OH OKAY.”

“NOW ALEX COME SEE ME IN MY OFFICE!” Said the supervisor. Yes, just said; even though those capital letters are there.

(Alex joins the supervisor in his office.)

Supervisor: “Alex, it’s been quite some time now that you have been here. And since your friend Chubson joined the team you’ve been nothing but trouble ever since…”

Alex: “Mr. Supervisor, I can explain! The managers’ dog was pooing on the grass at the front of the store, so I had to act. I slapped the manager across the face! And I gave him some Vaseline to smother on his dog… I mean, his face, so that it wouldn’t sting and…”

Supervisor: “Wait, you’re giving away free Vaseline???”

Alex: “Of course, it’s free really sir. I just took it and nobody said ‘Hey wait hes stealing that Vaseline!’ but then I fell over and then the Vaseline went everywhere and…”

Supervisor: “You’re fired.”

Alex: “Well I quit!”

Supervisor: “You can’t quit, I’ve already fired you.”

Alex: “HAHA! That’s what you think! One - nil to me!”

Supervisor: “Huh? Whadya mean one nil to you? I fired you. Therefore I am deserving of the one and you are deserving of the nil.”

Alex: “Actually you’re right. Your pants are down by the way.”

Supervisor: “OH CRAP, THEY ARE! Hey wait, you did this?”

Alex: “Yes! And that is deserving of two! Two - one to me! HAHA!”

Supervisor: “No it’s not, its only one to you and one to… OK WHAT THE HELL GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!”

Alex: “Wahh!”

With one stroke the supervisor spanked him. He enjoys spanking people. Mainly because his hand stings afterwards and it gives him the excuse the use the Vaseline. Mmm yes! For chapped hands also! There is no Vaseline left at the store because the supervisor likes to eat it too. Disgusting? It keeps his insides clean. And his breath smells nice.

So Alex’s life is now ruined. What about Chubson you may ask? Well he gets sacked also. He eats too much plastic meat then throws up all over the managers face. And there is no amount of Vaseline which can cure that incident. Oh well!