World's Longest Prison Sentence

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The longest prison ever handed down was 6.875 billion years. The criminal is a space alien named Kraatatavorchz from planet Ungatzarmeetu, 78 light years north by northwest from Earth on the galactic plane. 75 million years ago when Lord Xenu sentenced 1.4 billion hapless space aliens to flash freezing, subsequently to be dumped into volcanoes in the Canary Islands and the Hawaiian Islands, a small group of prisoners were unfrozen en route to Earth by the traitor Stanley Tweedle, a lowest rank security guard on one of the DC-8-looking transport ships.

After hot chocolate and/or single malt scotch, the conspirators warmed up enough to kill the rest of the security personnel and hijacked the space ship. The pilot was forced to break from her course over Tierra Del Fuego and landed in the jungle in modern day Costa Rica. Once there, the full compliment of 43 frozen passengers were thawed and set to building a camouflaged Bunker, hoping to evade capture by Lord Xenu's rangers. Because these aliens had been accused of the high crime of tax cheating, they were in mortal danger.

The Middle of the Story[edit]

I have to go grocery shopping shortly, so I can't commit as much time expounding on this amazing story. Maybe this evening I'll fill it up.Kraatatavorchz and his minions set about building a facility for pharmaceutical research as soon as they'd secured their position. Driven by a thirst for vengeance against Lord Xenu for muddling populations across the world's with psychiatric prescription drugs, Kraatatavorchz's goal was to develop a drug to counteract Xenu's mind-numbing opiate of the masses. Among his cohort were two scientists who'd worked to develop these drugs. Their fate had been sealed because they knew too much. As their fellow thought criminals were vaporized by volcanoes and atomic bombs, their resultant thetans free to roam in search of bodies to occupy, the intrepid band labored to assist the Markab Confederation to overthrow their evil dictator.

As a result of the coup, Xenu was imprisoned forever in a mountain, held fast by an eternal force field on a planet other than Earth.

The End[edit]

Kraatatavorchz ultimately became a victim of his own greed. The psychiatric drug trade had netted him wealth, women and power, such as had never been seen before or since, in this galaxy. His soul-poisoned wives had secretly been purged of mind control drugs by faithful members of the Water and Refuse Union, powerful enemies of Lord Xenu and his deep-voiced allies across the 76 worlds.

Barricaded in his super-super-secret soul stealing laboratory he listened to his 76 enraged wives frantically trying to gain entry to the place of his last stand. The bodies of technically alive aliens, their souls having been extracted and stored to power Lord Xenu's computing machines.

Gingerly, although for no good reason, he removed the syringe from a package labeled "Soul Extraction Accelerator Tincture - 500 doses". The tool was designed for use against unwilling "patients", so he had no trouble thrusting the needle through his utilititarian coveralls and into his left buttock. He was dead with the plunger halfway depressed when the first of his wives to break through hastily arranged furniture blocking the doors, Pryunkigfrukuugnertella, stopped short a meter from his body and gasped.