/dev/null
You are here. You are not there. Over there is nothing of interest. You must stay here, for your own good. Imagine something, anything. It appears for a nanosecond, then leaves. You are nothing. You are nobody. But it is fun here. Feel yourself disintegrate in...
/dev/null, the Movie
110 minutes of pure golden awesome nothing. This film contains 100% nothing or your money back. Do not soak in water. Do not shoot the man in that car behind the grassy knoll. Or in the schoolbook warehouse. Whichever. Do not touch me in that spot. Ow. Ow. Coming, December 31, 1969.
Reception[edit | edit source]
San Francisco, January 3, 1970
What the fuck? Is this some sort of scam? I dunno but it looks odd to say the least. Well, it's pretty cheap for a scam. Only one dollar. Ah, what the hell. This looks like a good date. Are you nuts? I don't want to see a blank screen! And what the hell is up with the title? Is this an art house film? Actually that does sound rather nice for a date... sure, we'll go.
And they foolishly entered.
Whoa. The entire theater's bare. Hey, where is the theatre? That door is gone! Holy shit! We're doomed! (Text appears: YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE, all caps) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! The floor disappeared. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. Kill me now. (Text: OK) Wait, no! I didn't mean it! We're both dead, aren't we?
Another room. Well this one looks a bit more lively. The wallpaper looks trippy. Yeah, I know, right? This plaque says, fill out this questionnaire. Shit. It's the test to get into Heaven or Hell. But it says, THE END.
Now we're back in the theater. Wow. That must have been the film. We have to tell someone about this. This gives me the creeps. I hate the supernatural part of this. WHOA A GIANT FUCKING PURPLE HIPPO! MASTER....
Epilogue[edit | edit source]
They were never found. I AM EZQOFF, THE ETERNAL PURPLE HIPPO. THIS STORY IS A LIE. I NEVER HYPNOTIZED NOBODY. BUT DON'T WORRY I'M NOT GONNA GO APESHIT. IN FACT THIS ENTIRE STORY WAS ONE OF MY SHORT STORIES. I AM A WRITER. THIS ONE IS OLD AND IT ISN'T GOOD. I TRIED SELLING THIS TO ISAAC ASIMOV SO I COULD GHOSTWRITE IT UNDER HIS NAME. HE SHOT ME WITH A SHOTGUN. I AM IMMORTAL. BUT I STILL FELT THE GUN. GODDAMN IT HURT. I NEVER KNEW HE HAD A SHOTGUN, BEING A SCI FI WRITER. BUT THERE YOU GO. I HAVE A BOOK OUT CALLED THE STAULT IN OUR FARS. JOHN GREEN DON'T SUE. IT IS AVAILABLE IN BOOKSTORES ACROSS THE GALAXY. IT IS MEANT TO SUCK THIS TIME. KTHXBYE.