A Tale of Two Men Named Horace

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Imma tell you a story about a man who's named Horace

Born from his mother Darlene and his father named Borace

He was a one legged fellow who always wore mittens

He worked underwater so he had a case of the bends

His joints always ached and he liked to eat steak

His wife of six years just called him a flake.

She stormed out the door and stepped on his rat.

His rat was now dead, his rat was named Pat.

Pat's blood stained the rug and Horace just cried

Wouldn't you do the same if your rat had just died?

He picked up his pet and threw him in the bin

And on the way there he broke his only shin.

"Oh the luck" he shouted at no one in particular

"This day," he complained, "is worse than sub par."

He couldn't move, he just sat there, twiddled his thumb

Wow this is nonsense, just stupid, just dumb.

He crawled towards the door and anguish he farted

For he could hardly even move and his rat was departed

He reached for the doorknob but before he could touch it

A fat man swung it open and was wielding some crutches

He said he heard someone crawling and thought they needed help

Horace spoke but all that came out was a yelp.

"My it looks like your bleeding" said the man of great size

The impact of the door had removed both his eyes.

"Hi my name's Horace," the fat man did shout

"No that can't be!" Now get out of my house!"

"But it is, But it is! Why do you say such cruel things?"

"Because my name is Horace too, what bad tidings you bring."

These men shared a name, but they also shared shame.

For one was obese and the other was lame.

"I see you can't walk," Said Horace number 2

"Well you weigh nine hundred pounds, so what about you?"

"I don't walk but I waddle," number 2 did reply.

"Oh shit I forgot, I still don't have eyes."

The Horaces' troubles did not lack in numbers

And in the distance they could hear the rumbles of thunder

"It sounds like it's wet" said Horace number one,

"Seems we have seen the last of the sun."

On such a rainy day what was there to do?

So the two newfound friends just stayed in and made stew.

-- By George Hamburg Junior