Alexa Chung

Alexa Chung is glad to see you.

Alexa Chung is a British fashion model made entirely out of wood. She is best known for designing custom handbags for diabetic canker sores and hurling red paint at celebrities who refuse to wear fur. She is 3000 years old.

Life as a seed

Alexa started her life as a seed being planted in the park where homeless penguins would gather together to set each other on fire. All the penguin blood would soak into the ground and turn the roots into spaghetti laced with drain cleaner. The spaghetti changed the chemical compound of seed Alexa, causing her to glow in the dark and levitate plates at the drop of a stone. Her only companions were mounds of dirt and puddles of mud and she used to play games with earthworms. Unemployed elephants would walk over her pushing her deeper and deeper into the smell of toast and waffles. Eventually she learned how to read and write and set out across the barren wasteland to eavesdrop on landlords drinking gasoline.

The sapling years

Due to all the acid rain she sprouted radioactive limbs and neon leaves and quickly grew her way out of the dirt and into the overcast sky. Being nourished on chilli and bananas she soon developed a love of crows and tofu. This gave her the strength she needed to rob banks and take over corporations in order to finance her exotic trips to the Moon. It was there that she decided to shovel snow into open clothes hampers and gather up all the garbage along the interstate highway due to her recent arrest at a cartoon factory. She labored away until the community forgave her of her sins against donuts.

Alexa Chung is very glad to see you.

Being whittled into a woman

As she got older Alexa got taller and taller and eventually she got so tall that her hands were getting tangled in telephone lines. With the town fearing that they would lose their telephone power, an army of lumberjacks were hired to cut Alexa up into little pieces. This made her more manageable and easy to barter chickens with. She got a job hosting a talk show where she would interview strawberries and talk about politics to disinterested correction officers. Her collective coffins applauded as her toenails exploded like fireworks over a harbor.

A mighty oak

As she aged Alexa matured into a mighty oak, standing proud over all the underdeveloped shrubs and burned-down soda factories. Her roots were deep and perfumed, able to strangle any notebook who dared cross her path. She was loved by everyone in Florida and hated by everyone in Alabama, mostly because she liked to crack walnuts with her elbows and mold the meat into hats. In her twilight years she realized death was approaching and tranformed all of her money into detergent and licked away all of her shoes in a desperate attempt to clear her clogged throat.

Trivia

• Alexa used to have a talk show, but Marlon Brando ate it.
• Alexa likes to wrestle with her shadow.
• Alexa is standing right behind you.
• Anything you can do Alexa can do better. She can do anything better than you.