Answering machine
You have one new message, and twenty-three one hundred year old messages. Go away. –beep–
First caller: Well… i- if you insist.
–beep–
Second caller: Would you have happened to see my bum bag anywhere? [unsettled laughter]
–beep–
Third caller: Go away? But I’m not even here anymore!
–beep–
Fourth caller: Can I borrow a sock? Not a pair of ‘em, just a sock.
–beep–
Fifth caller: I was only wondering if you’d be interested in my special offer on sweetcorn. Three cans for the cheap, free price of twenty pounds. Today only! What fun is prank calling people when they don’t even answer the phone?
–beep–
Sixth caller: Raaaaarawawrwaghwrawg!
–beep–
Seventh caller: Oh, it’s a shame you don’t answer the phone these days. I’m on my phone pretty much all the time, you know. Sometimes I find myself talking on the phone for hours, even when they haven’t even picked it up yet. It’s funny, that. Now, I usually only interrupt my own conversations, but it appears my canary is kicking up a fuss again. Wait, why was it I called again? Now I can’t remember. Ah, well, I guess I’ll ring you back later then.
–beep–
Eighth caller: I was calling about the boats you had for sale. You see, Clifford really loves boats. I guess it makes sense, ‘cause he’s a bull and I raised him on minestrone.
–beep–
Ninth caller: Hurry up and answer your phone already. I am tired of wasting my time calling you, and need to return to my sculpture of the Eiffel Tower constructed entirely from breadsticks.
–beep–
Tenth caller: Can you believe they changed my name? Simply preposterous!
–beep–
Eleventh caller: Is there anywhere I can repair my rocket boots? I broke a heel. I had a spare pair, but I lent them to that woman who isn’t around anymore.
–beep–
Twelfth caller: [indistinguishable mumbling]
–beep–
Thirteenth caller: Were you looking for phone repairs? [crash]
–beep–
Fourteenth caller: Don’t listen to her, she never learns! Ouch… lemony.
–beep–
Fifteenth caller: IS YOUR PHONE LOUD ENOUGH?
–beep–
Sixteenth caller: Were you still planning on heading up to the gym with me tomorrow? We’ll be doing deadlifts and semi-conscious lifts. Oh, and apologies for breaking your door down yesterday. Happens every time I open it for some reason.
–beep–
Seventeenth caller: Whee hello goodbye
–beep–
Eighteenth caller: I know you’re at home, but you’ve just been watching fishing shows all day instead of answering the phone. And is that a yummy can o’ Pringles I see? Mmmmm.
–beep–
Nineteenth caller: If this phone’s meant to be so good, why can’t it lay an egg?
–beep–
Twentieth century fox caller: I’ve been meaning to talk to you today. I saw a horrific car crash on my way home from the superstore, and almost ended up in it myself. It was wonderful!
–beep–
Twenty-first caller: Not taking my calls? Your phone is cheap!
–beep–
Twenty-second caller: My associate and I couldn't help but notice that you've been watching the fishing channel. We had actually been planning on going bread fishing next week, and wondered if you’d care to join us. We bid you a fond farewell.
–beep–
Twenty-third caller: Hm, this phone doesn’t seem to be workin’. Maybe I should tickle it. [crash]
–beep–
Twenty-fourth caller: Leave a message? Do you expect me to put all that effort into thinking of something to say? Could you get that button for me? Anyone? [silence]
End of messages.