Big Smokes BBQ

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This is a quick fanwrite thingy, based on the idea: "What if GTA San Andreas characters where normal law abiding citizens? Simply enjoying the finer things in life?'


"Eyy eyey! CEEJAYE!" "Whattup Smoke?" "Yeah man we got some grillin' going on out here, ya want some chicken?" "Aye I'm on it, sure thang" "Great! This stuff is marinated in thick salt for two hours, honestly, you'll like it bruh"

( CJ eats the chicken )

"Yeh. Good man. Good chicken" "Ahwahaha! Yeah man! That's whassup! Oh hey, hey, that's Sweet. EEYY EYYYEYE! Sweet!"

"Whasappenin' Carl...? Whattup Big Smoke?"

"AWWW we dawgs doin it like the old times!"

"Sweet, ya lookin' all glum like that for mayn?"

"Nah it's nuttin' CJ" "Naw comone man, I's got time."

"Huh.... you sure ya wanna know?" "Yeah we best mates, right Smoke?"

"Aww.. yeh good chicken.... come to daddy.... oh, yeah we all good Sweet, CJ"

"Well, I wanted to buy this awesome television, seen one up in the mall like. Then just passed some Ballah's house about an hour ago, and he's got this much bigger one. You know, I feel inadequate."

"CJ, you want more sauce?" "Naw I'm good Smoke... listen, Sweet. Don't let them Ballah's get to your head. They so knee deep in their business they won't even have time to watch anything on it."

"For real?" "For real."

"Didn't think of it like that ay"

"That's right. Man, we just chillin', here we got our beers, a few chops and drumsticks, some fine brew for after, what else we need?"

"I can think of many CJ... like some sexy fools! Sexy, boomin' poppin' peeps, ya hear?"

"When is enough my friend?"

"HUH, CJ you never talk like that."

"Well, I'm all for the finer things in life, Sweet. But consider this..."

"Too many people these days are after quick fixes. They paper over the cracks with their store receipts, taking all sorts, dousing their sorrows in easy outs. Like, when is that point where you go that's it time to move on and take responsibility? I mean we need to start setting good examples for the children, our next generation. I mean come on man, crimes rampant in the hood. We the only real homies, G. We gots what they don't got.... sense. Yeh we have that awareness. We know when enough is enough. Minimal. The simple life. Who needs those fast cars, easy women, tasty food that makes you fat? Moderation is key, yah hear dawg?"

"... CJ. What book did you swallow to get that churned out homie?"

"Awhahaha! Man you know I speak the senses."

"Mann all I hear is radio noise. Look, you wanna do a little bit of the bad stuff sometimes. I turned out alright didn't I, I used to drink when I were seventeen, look how it didn't affect me?"

( Sweet twitches in humour )

"Bahahah! Sweet you always been pullin' my leg since the school days."

"Man you were such a good emceer back then. Forget that cousin of yours, you had the rap skills. Aint that right Smoke?"

"Smoke's busy with his mouth feeling round that chicken leg, dog!"


"Mannn all you two is talk and never eat. Ya gotta keep yer strength up, never know what's round the corner."

"Man the only thing you keep up is your eatin' streak. That three legs in five minutes Smoke?"

"Cjay! Tell him he's winding me up. Mans gotta eat when a mans gotta eat."

"Okay fat boi"

"Ohhh ohh oh! Ya wanna take it to the court son?"

"Yeh for sure, my dude!"

"Alright, next one dunks gets the BBQ chicken breast!"

"Hey you gots a head start your nearer that limp basket of yours! That's aint nine feet!"

"This is pure muscle, Sweet, ya gotta accept that I get the right protein!"

"Man you all sweaty, and you aint even dribbled the ball yet!"

"CJ! You want in? Five dollars for the winner?"

"Naw I'm good. Not even payday and I'm already skint."

Sweet and Smoke play shootout for ten minutes while CJ chills on the deckchair. Over the road he sees people planting flowers in their gardens, a few children playing on their bikes, and a postman delivering a parcel to a couple in the end house. With a stretch he closes his eyes. And that's the life of a G. We have no worries, no problems. Hi. My name is CJ. Carl Johnston. I've been a minimalist for ten years. And I've learned a lot over the years. I almost got in with the wrong crowd, realized their game wasn't right, and bailed out. Started learning graffiti art and got my college funding that way. Now I'm a supervisor at the local VHS store. It's not much, but it's honest work. I'm glad I turned down those Ballahs who didn't have my values at heart. I knew they were trouble. Course, not all of them are like that. Just that it's like jocks and nerds, in the end, the true winners are the ones who make it out alive. They say it's dog eats dog, but to me, it's dog helps man, man helps dog, both dogs win. Ya hear? About three years ago, my moms died. It was a great service and we gave her the send off she needed. But something left me behind in that moment, and I started to change my life. I had to. I didn't want to be the beach bum who just did nothing all day. Least I could be productive working on my rhymes, learning to dance, and watching my VHS tapes to keep me company. She was a great mom, always letting me eat when I needed. Sometimes meal times were hard to keep up, because I was so into my hobbies. But she kept me on track. The best day of my life was when my homes, Ryder, Sweet, and Smoke, all picked me up one night to go clubbing. We had an ace time! Sweet ended up with a woman and has been with her since. Smoke, well he's gotten into his food more but he has a big heart. And as for Ryder? Well, Ryders Ryder. I haven't seen him for a few days, but he's always cooking up new schemes, get rich quick, and all that. I wonder if he thinks he will make it big one day. He's even tried to get me involved, making music for his brands and all that. But they never take off.

"CJ! Phone's ringing, dawg."


"Eyyy whats up CJ?"

"Aaaight Ryder! Where you been last three days?"

"Ohhh man don't you know it! I've hid big time, fool!"

"Wait, where are you? I can hear traffic"

"I'm in London, my dude. The women here... sheeeshhh...... they're harder to keep on the barge pole than to push away man. They're all over the place, wanting the Ryder special. But man, I aint here for all that dance. I'm here for the education my dude. I've enrolled at Oxford, man. Some guy offered me the chance to take a Business course, now I'm setting up my digs, and getting ready for the induction. Hope y'all enjoying it back in the hood? How's Sweet and Smoke?"

"We're all good. Chillin. Smoke and Sweet are ballin, fighting over the last chop"

"hahaha. That's them all over. Always competin. But you know we are the competition they're dealin with, ya hear?"

"Yeh Ryder, word up. Hey so how long you in London for?" "About three four years I think. Shouldn't be too long til I'm back visiting."

"Well make sure you come back in one piece, ya hear? Hoods been losing people left right and centre lately"

"Don't worry about me, sheesh! I'm the black belt, the Ali stopper, the fool buster! That's right!"

"Heheh well good luck over in that London, man, we'll have to sort out a meet up when you're here. The new fried chicken place is awesome, we go there once a week now"

"Ayyy sounds like a plan man. But you know I don't like chicken. I'll have the fries of course. Anyway, I've gotta dash. Old Peterson here is after my next move... yeh man C4 takes your pawn, hahah dawg you too old school for my new tricks.... see ya round CJ. I'll write."

"All the best mans."

"Hey Smoke. Sweet."

"Yeh dawg?"

"You know Ryders enrolled at university?"

"What the...? where? Hang on I gotta down my chicken for this moment"

"Wait, CJ, you saying that was Ryder on the phone?"

"Yep. He's gone to London to study business."

"Well I'll be damned. Well I always thought he was too smart for school, like"

"Yeh yeh, Ryders all cool and all, but what about my barbeque chicken?"

"Smoke shuttup about your food! Man you obsessed. Like a race dog or something."

"Sweet, did you know about this?"

"Not a clue. First I heard."

"Maybe he wants something fresh in his life."

"Well whatever it is, he better not burn himself out like last year. Remember the security role? Dude couldn't stomach those CCTV cameras knowing what his high flyer friends were doing."

"Yeh, theres only so much tape a man can cover up the cracks with."

And so for the rest of the night, they chilled on the lawn of CJs, looking up at the stars and watching the planes fly over. The satellites were beaming down, and for a moment CJ thought any one of them could be the angel spirit of his mum, looking down and seeing how proud she is of him and his buddies. For about three hours they drank and listened to lofi streams, and enjoyed a relaxing light snack of ready salted crisps. They eventually drifted off to bed for the next day to begin. CJ had to work at the VHS store, he knew his work was cut out for him, hence why he organized the bbq. Smoke was off out to do errands for his father who had recently returned from a business trip, and Sweet was going out with a few friends of his missus to wind down from a stressful week. All in all, they had a good time, and hope to have many more. CJ wakes up in the morning and stretches. Before saying: "Ryder, I hope you know what you're doing."