Big boned

Big boned tells everyone how fat you really are with your skin off. They - the everyones - clomp up the avenue and see you on the sidewalk and act all hysterical and they all "Ha ha ha ha, fatty fatty two by four" and some of the others go "Can't get through the kitchen door", and then all you do is stand there and scream at them "I'm big boned!"

That's a lie, of course. You're big boned like my Aunt Tillie is big virgined. Just admit it to yourself and your people ("peeps" in the language of yesteryear): You're tank size. You're to a city what cute is to Portman, what drunk is to Evil Jesus, what candles drip on cakes. You are an all encompassing lardass. Fat, about two by four, and no, you can't get in there. You have to order out or you'd starve.

Big boned. Last anyone was actually big boned was this guy:

and even he moved pretty well and was able to touch his toes from any direction.