Billy Mays

The half grizzly, half human himself.

“Hi! Billy Mays here for...!”

~ Billy Mays on everything

“Billy Mays was a man who liked to scream... a lot.”

~ Anyone who ever watched a Billy Mays commercial

The legendary Billy Mays (August 3, 1722 - April 4, 1997) was a loud mouth, entrepreneur, advertising genius, clutch of eggs, rogue Diners Club member, antithetic Pomeranian and smarm dispenser, known in North America for his brash style of peddling useless products on television.

Early Life

Billy was born Newton Mould in Stow, England to a fairly successful transvestite barrister father and a Singer model 1910 pedal sewing machine (retrofitted with a turbojet motor and hydraulic, triple redundant controls). Previous incarnations include an cow's udder in Siberia, a florist and bagpipe fitter in Persia and several butcher's aprons.

Advertising!

Despite strong ties with Scientology's Sea Org, Billy erupted onto the advertising by way of obnoxious behavior scene in 1982. Using his trademark hip/suave personality traits as murderous weapons, he burrowed his way through the septic spewledge that is the industry, and landed in front of the desk of one Pieter Scheissemitdemhosenfestmachten, legendary infomercial mogul.