Chemicals in a Cigarette
YOUR CIGARETTE HAS CHEMICALS
~ CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
There are at least 4000 chemicals in a cigarette, with a maximum of 4001.2875. The best-known of these is nicotine, but also present are iron, vitamin c, vitamin b12, calcium, Air Jordans size 11.5, your mom, formaldehyde, ethylene, toluene, naphthalene, dimethyl sulfoxide, Boeing 747, lysergic acid diethylamide, super celery, your mom is in it, vinegar, sodium bicarbonate, psilocybin, carbon monoxide, tar, TNT, hydrogen gas, Tobacco, Saturn, elemental sodium, Istanbul (but not Constantinople), did I mention your mom, and pure unadulterated flavor.
The most immediate effect of these chemicals on the smoker is to cause mild feelings of relaxation, euphoria, tension, and nausea. However, you can be assured that, behind the scenes, they're fucking your shit up and your shit is the most precious thing you've got. You don't want your shit looking all pretty and artsy and smelling like a field blooming flowers after a quick spring shower do you? No! that's your fucking shit... DAMN IT! Not only do they have unusual and subtle effects, but prolonged smoking can cause mutagenic effects on your DNA. This will most likely turn you into a mutant. And not a cool mutant, like Wolverine, either: think more along the lines of the Toxic Avenger and Kitty Crusader. That's right: your only "super powers" will be being ugly and hitting people with a mop, however, he did get the Hottie. Though you will have to guard your mop from Stanley Spudowski.
Unusual and subtle effects of chemicals in a cigarette[edit | edit source]
Coolness[edit | edit source]
Cigarettes have long been known to make you cool - cool like The Fonz but what you really want is to be Kool. Just Kool. You do something because you like to and it draws attention, Kool. You do something that draws attention because you want to draw attention, dork and probably evil. White House scientists hypothesize that the elemental sodium in cigarettes combines with free chlorine ions in the body, causing an endothermic reaction that lowers the core body temperature by seven degrees, and that's Kool. This makes you as cool as a cucumber, cucumber that gets lots of pussy.
Being cool has some beneficial effects. For example, immediately after smoking a cigarette, it is often possible to turn a jukebox on simply by hitting it with your fist, and there is nothing Kool about that dork. Also, if you should find yourself in a hostage situation with a gun pointed at your head, you will be more likely to make sarcastic wisecracks, which is totally Kool; although this will infuriate the gunman, research shows that people who make sarcastic quips during hostage situations are unlikely to be shot. Learn your Kung Fu. You also become so cool that you actually blind people with coolness. 'cuz when u Kool, da sun shine on u 24 r's a day. They're just too cool.
Compulsive tipping[edit | edit source]
Those who smoke a pack a day or more often succumb to compulsive tipping, leaving gratuities of 30% or more. Only a civilly worthless cheapskate dork could not appreciate that. In one case study, a three-pack-a-day smoker actually ordered a club sandwich and left the waitress the keys to his Jeep, that's okay it had a battery acid burn on the rear carpeting. Researchers have not been able to adequately characterize the specific synergistic effects of the chemicals in tobacco smoke that cause this behavioral change. Though it's probably the Jordans. Jordans are Kool.
Common wisdom for centuries held that the tendency toward cow tipping was the reason that smokers were perceived as cool and non-smokers were perceived as douche bags. However, this common wisdom was recently shattered when mathematicians conclusively proved that smokers are cool and non-smokers are douche bags.
Cancer[edit | edit source]
Some guys in California have posited a link between the chemicals in 365,000 - 1,000,000 cigarettes and cancer. However, neatly-dressed and handsome scientists in immaculate lab coats have suggested exactly the opposite. The jury's still out on this one; maybe one day we'll know for sure whether cancer and cigarettes are related in any way. So while we are waiting let's bathe in the plethora of radio waves for some breast cancer.
Rebellion[edit | edit source]
Despite being present in cigarette smoke at extremely low levels, the chemical compound 50-tridipthalyne polyhydrotoluate has been proven to inspire feelings of rebellion in cigarette smokers. Smokers will often go to great lengths to try to identify dominant paradigms and then subvert them. They will rebel regardless of whether or not they have a cause. Which means they must be balanced with some weed. Historical revisionists have recently uncovered evidence that all the attendees of the Boston Tea Party were smoking throughout the entire party, and that the guillotines used in the French Revolution had to undergo monthly sandblasting just to get off all the cigarette ash.
The effects of 50-tripiwhatever are amplified by a proximity to leather. If you are a figure in a position of authority, and you encounter a cigarette smoker dressed in leather, you should fear him and attempt to keep him down.
Negative calories[edit | edit source]
Super celery is a major component of the chemicals in a cigarette. As celery is a food stuff of negative caloric impact (it take more calories to chew and digest than you consume), super celery smoke exhausts 200 calories per day from the typical smoker. You're losing weight, looking cool, and getting your daily health portion of vegetables.
References[edit | edit source]
- That is, a cucumber that is seven degrees cooler than the average human.