Dear someone, may I refund my life

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Dear somebody,

May I refund my life?

I'm 49 years old now. I have no family, no job, no car, no foot, no arm, no leg, no penis, no floor, no big house, no no, and no. Basically, I have nothing. I have tried to reach out to the maternity hospital but they said they can't refund living beings. I've tried to knock on my mother's grave, but there was no answer. Someone explained to me that humans don't have guarantees attached to them, not even something like a one-year guarantee.

I'm actually quite shocked. When a baby is born, do they not give out a receipt to the mother, who then gives it to me at majority age, so that if I am unhappy about my life, I can refund or exchange it for another one? You know, I'd very much enjoy living in Italy. Northern Italy, that is, in Turin. I'd like to be around 21 years old, have a girlfriend with smashing looks, a race car, a big house, and a yacht. I'd be someone who had managed to cash in big time with the stock market. €1.3 million to my name. You know what I mean. I'd own that Instagram account where people who are incredibly disadvantaged can be forever mocked by my brilliant lifestyle, and they can just feel sorry about their own lives. I would speak twelve languages, and I would have learnt all of them by myself.

Anyway, all this dreaming just makes me even sadder. I'm still here in this horrid, decrepit world of mine. Forty nine years of pure crap. I mean, right now, I'm actually sitting in a big pile of poo (it's the only fun I have left).

So, can someone please refund me?