Diary of a Sim

The following is the diary of a sim named Jeremiah Wilson.

Day 1

I was just born, man. My parents went to the hospital and everything when suddenly... PLOP! There I was. Now they feed me and care for me and love me. It's great. I can't move or anything. I'm just wrapped in a blanket and just drink from my bottle and poop. I cry every four seconds, and every time I do, my parents give me a bottle, then dump me unceremoniously on the kitchen floor where I sit motionless for hours at a time. Pretty eventful if you know what I mean. Eh? Eh? Nevermind... Just NEVERMIND.

Day 2

Oh God... I just heard my parents... Um... Woohooing. Gross. The bed was jumpin' up and down and... I swear it was disgusting. I mean I heard moans and groans and a little bell-like sound. Ugh... They came out in underwear and just smiled at me and said something about a brother or sister or something like that. I swear, when I grow up, I'M NEVER WOOHOOING EVER. And even if I do I'm gonna wrap it before I tap it if you know what I mean. Jeez, I gotta stop ending with "If you know what I mean"...

Day 3

It was my birthday! I'm now a toddler! It's awesome! Well not really. It was kinda weird. Right after I grew up... Mommy also grew a bit too. She just changed clothes and felt her belly. I don't know what that means... I mean... I'm just a toddler after all, what do I know. Okay, I'm done with creating false foreshadowing. I know she's pregnant. I mean... I not an idiot. Or am I? DUH NUH NUH!!! Why did I just write that in my diary. FUCK! It's in pn pen. See! It has to be in pen because why else would I cross out "pn"? Yeah. I'm gonna stop rambling... But who am I gonna stop rambling to? I don't know. Well, diary. G'night.

Day 4

Boomshakkalakkalakka! I'm a toddla bitch!!! It's suh-weet!

Day 5

My daddy just taught me how to walk and it was cool. I was falling and tumbling but then boom! I can walk now mutha fucka! I'm goin' 'round the house and yeah. Mom's belly is HUGE! She's really poppin' now! She's leanin' when she walks and all that. She has no time for me. Damn. I hope I have a little brother. That'll be fun. A sister would suck because she'd be PMSsing all over the place. Daaamn..

Day 6

Mom and Dad just got back from the hospital and I have a fuckin' sister. They named her Bon Qui Qui. WHY??? That's the most ghetto name ever. In case you didn't know... I'm white. I mean... Bon Qui Qui? I mean seriously. She's gonna be pregnant by 15 I mean I swear. (In this story, teenage pregnancy mod is installed.) Damn, man. This sucks. I want mah parents to make me a brother. Shiite.

Day 7

My mom just taught me how to talk. She was gettin' impatient with me. I'm all like, "I can't talk, what'choo talkin' 'bout?" And then I realized I couldn't talk in the first place... I dunno. So now I can ask for things like food, water, shelter, and all the necessities. Boom!

Day 8

I told my parents I wanted a brother and the "deed is done" The bell rang and everythang. I mean... My dad must be like a sperm god or something because he shows the demonstration of insemination. He shows Trojan who's boss, mutha fucka! I hope it's a boy, man.

Day 9

I'm now potty-trained and shit. Mom did that weird change clothes/feel belly transition thing. It's pretty awkward. I mean, pregnancy is gradual, right? Not just spin around, gain barely any weight and instantly know you're pregnant. I'm not gonna question the game engine that I'm in because that would mean I'm omnipotent which clearly I'm not... I'm mean... That would be weird and scary because that would mean I realize I'm not real and this is a video game which I don't or anything like that...

Day 10

I aged AGAIN! I'm a beast! "Let's make mo'! We will be shaking yo' flo'. Come against me that's a no-no. No. 'Cause I'm a beast." I apologize. That was some song from Madden 05 or 06 or something. Which is an EA game so technically I know about it. I gotta start goin' to school now which SUCKS! Well then... I'm done for tonight.

Day 11

Mom is big again is gonna go into labor any minute and Dad's workin' the night shift. I'm playin' some Skate. on my computer like a beast. I'm pretty god damn awesome if you ask me. School sucks ass but it's okay. I gotta go to bed early tonight because of school.

Day 12

And I have a brother! Ye-ahh! His name is Phil. He's pretty cool. He is still in that weird motionless blanket stage. I still can't write much because of school. Good night.

Day 13

I'm failing in school. IT SUCKS. My dad's givin' me hell he's like. "Education is your future and blah blah blah." I DON'T CARE! School is for white people. I'm not whit- wait I am. Well fuck that. I'll have Robert Downey Junior in Tropic Thunder surgery.

Day 14

Ugh.... I made a friend... ish. It's this shy kid who I had to sit next to at lunch. He's weird but goddammit I'm tired of being anti-social!

Day 15'

Bon Qui Qui is almost a child and Phil is a toddler. Life's better. I know more people because I can kinda sorta play guitar. I can do like C-chords and D-chords and E-chords. I played some cheesy stuff and people think I'm a God.

Day 16

I'm one day away from being a teenager son!! Bon Qui Qui is a child and it's awesome! Mom and Dad are thinkin' about havin' another baby and hell why not? The more the merrier!

Day 17

I'm a teenager and it's cool and all. I met a girl today. She's... So damn fine! She's now my girlfriend. She's hot!!! And she likes me.

Day 18

My girlfriend Jessica convinced me to sneak out tonight and I nearly got caught by the cops. It was scary. But she's just so nice and she's so out of my league... I mean. She's Hall of Fame and I'm Pop Warner. Why does she like me? It's great, though. Her parents are out of town for the weekend so I'm gonna have to take advantage. I picked up some... uh... rubbers at the store. I know I'm ready.

Day 19

Woohoo is the fuckin' greatest thing in the entire world evar. It's just.... AMAZING!!! I want more! Now I know why parents are doin' it now!!! WooHOO!!!!

Day 20

I swear to God I'm fucking suing Trojan condoms! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Jessica's pregnant! She wasn't in school and she called and.... OH MY GOD!!! What am I gonna do? Do I tell my parents? And it gets worse! My mom's pregnant, too! I FEEL LIKE I'M IN FATHER OF THE BRIDE 2 EXCEPT I'M HAVING THE FEELINGS OF STEVE MARTIN EVEN THOUGH TECHNICALLY I'D BE HIS DAUGHTER'S DOUCHEBAG HUSBAND AND MY DAD WOULD BE STEVE MARTIN AND THAT WOULD MAKE MY MOM BONNIE HUNT. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, STEVE MARTIN AND BONNIE HUNT ARE PROBABLY THE BEST ACTING HUSBAND AND WIFE EVAR. I'M GONNA STOP WRITING IN ALL CAPS. Okay... This better be a dream. Let me go to sleep and see what happens tomorrow.

Day 21

It's not a dream. I met Jessica at the park and she's definitely preggo. Her parents are freaking out. I didn't realize it but my Mom saw me and... She walked up and saw Jessica and then Jessica saw that she was pregnant too and... Figuratively speaking the shit hit the fan. Now my Mom wants to kill me. She's happy about being a Grandma but she's not a fan of being Bonnie Hunt in this rendition of Father of the Bride 2. They're both due tomorrow. Shit...

Day 22

As if this couldn't get worse... My Mom and Jessica had beds right next to each other at the hospital. I have a son named Jason and a sister named Sara. Life is fucked up. I mean... Jessica's parents are rich as fuck and they're supporting her our son but it all sucks. My Mom's cooled down because of the new baby but it still is awkward as hell.

Day 23

I went back to school today and I saw Jessica and everyone knew what happened. It was Hell. Shit, I'm already there.

Day 24

Bon Qui Qui turned into a teen yesterday. Doesn't really matter, though. Jason came over to my house and Bon Qui Qui, Phil and Sara met him. Life sucks.

Day 25

That slutbag Bon Qui Qui got herself pregnant. What a whore. Mom's not that mad because let's be honest; with a name like Bon Qui Qui she's not gonna amount to anything. If you could be a prostitute in this game she would I mean really. When they say, "She wouldn't have dressed like that if she didn't want it" they mean it. Hell...

Day 26

Jason's a toddler and Jessica's teaching him all of the basics. Jessica still wants to be with me but her parents disapprove. Bon Qui Qui is due tomorrow. She is all fat but still wants to go to school but the game won't let her brag about being part of a pregnancy pact. Jesus Christ this world is fucked up.

Day 27

I am now referred to as Uncle Jeremiah Wilson thank you very much. Bon Qui Qui gave birth to a daughter named Mo'Nique. Her dad's black but she inherited his genes A LOT! You can not see any white in that baby. It's messed up. Bon Qui Qui is on a curfew and isn't allowed to leave at all. Mom and Dad are getting a bit older but they insist they will take care of the baby until Bon Qui Qui becomes more responsible which is DOUBTFUL.

Day 28

Love hurts. Yes it does... Jessica is dead. She was electrocuted while mindlessly tinkering at a broken laptop. Apparently she was electrocuted 5 times in the minutes before but continued to tinker. Why? Her parents refuse to let me see or take care of Jason. Why did she keep tinkering? Hopefully sleep heals me.

Day 29

Sleep doesn't heal anything but meeting someone new does. I met this new girl named Tamara. She's nice and all and I think I might have feelings for her. How could this happen so fast? Jessica just died like one or two days ago and I'm already in love with someone else. I'm sorry Jessica. Am I being stupid? Or does love happen this fast? And also, is a day a year? I mean, it has some functions of a day and others of a year. I really don't know. Because falling in love a year after Jessica's death would be fine but a day after is fucked up. Nevermind...

Day 30

I told Tamara how I feel and she said she just wants to be friends. Tomorrow we're both gonna become Young Adults because we have the same birthday. I invited her to come tomorrow to try to ease the awkwardness. I don't know how I can be around her and not want to, for lack of a better term, get in that. If only this game had a rape function.

Day 31

I wish I could tell you that I had a perfect birthday party. I didn't. I invited Tamara over and we both aged and everything went well and... We started talking and she started talking about how she considered what I said and... Oh boy... Things just happened. One minute, we were having our first kiss and the next we were in bed going at each other. I didn't even think about, you know, protection. After it was over- I- um... Heard it. The bell noise. Fuckitty fuck fuck fuck. I'm gonna be a Dad of two. Tamara obviously didn't hear it because she was wondering why I was freaking out. I tried to convince her everything was fine but I think she could tell it wasn't. I'm moving out tomorrow and I'm gonna invite her over. I want to tell her before she finds out on her own because that would be disastrous.

Day 32

How does nothing ever go to plan? I invited her over and she wasn't in maternity clothes yet and she was screaming at me for freaking out and making me leave. I couldn't tell her before she found out herself. That weird transition thing happened right in front of us. She was completely stunned. We decided that she should move in and we should get married. I got an engagement ring and so it's official. Our wedding is scheduled for two days from now. Since we didn't... you know... make the baby she should be fine not to go into labor during the ceremony. But knowing my luck she will.

Day 33

I got a job. In the criminal career. I don't exactly know why criminals would advertise in the newspaper but hey, it's a job. I'm a decoy for now and I don't know how I'll support Tamara and our baby. Wow. Oh wow wow wow.

Day 34

Gotta love Murphy's Law. Right as we were taking our vows BAM Tamara goes into labor. Everyone at our wedding is freaking out. I have to drive her to the hospital while she's in that weird formal maternity outfit. Well needless to say I have a daughter. Her name is Miranda. Miranda Wilson. Tamara and I finished our vows afterwords and now it's official. Tamara Duval no more. Tamara Wilson. I gotta go to work tomorrow so good night.

Day 35

I was promoted to something still meaningless. Tamara's father died today and we now are rich. I just hired a maid and gardener. I feel pampered as a mother fucker. I'm gonna quit my job tomorrow. Life is good.

Day 36

Tamara and I decided that we wanted another child so we Woohoo'd it up and the deed is done. Here comes number three I guess. Nothing else really happened other than I quit my job. I've only worked for two days and I'm already done. For once I think that my life is good. No more cruel irony or bad circumcisions circumstances. Thank God.

Day 37

You probably expected something bad to happen today right? Nope. Life is still good. I went to the gym and to the pool and to the theater. Tamara stayed home. And for once it was actually pleasant to see the normally creepy pregnancy transition animation. Finally.

Day 38

Now it's just Miranda, now a toddler, and I. Wanna know how? Wanna know FUCKING how? I don't even think I'm angry because it's so comical. I mean really. If it happened to anyone other than me I would be laughing my ass off at the moment. Today I went to the gym and pool again and got a bite to eat. When I come home what do I see? Haha.... I see my smokin' hot female maid in that skimpy maid outfit making out with my very noticeably pregnant wife. What kinda fetish makes a woman attracted to obviously pregnant other women. I mean circumstances suck. Tamara moved out and is now living with that skanky maid. Yep. I'm not lying.

Day 39

Jeremiah Wilson, father of four kids. Tamara gave birth to twins. Both guys. Their names are Drake and Wayne. The maid whose name is Melissa threatened to break up with Tamara if she didn't get pregnant again. So apparently Tamara hooked up with some guy named Chad and is pregnant again. Wow...

Day 40

I saw my parents today and they're both elders. 75 years old, they both are. Bon Qui Qui is now a Young Adult and no one knows where she is. Phil is now nearly a Young Adult. Sara is 18 which means so is Jason. His grandparents sent him to a school outside of town and no one's really seen him. Mo'Nique is actually a nice girl and is 13. She is intelligent and funny and is actually a good person unlike her mother and undoubtedly her father Jerome.

Day 41

I think I want to settle down. I dunno. I want to meet "the one". I'm just afraid it was Jessica and she's already gone. It definitely wasn't Tamara because that bitch is a lezbo at hard. I'm trying to meet someone new but it's nearly impossible with trying to work almost all of the day for unrealistic hours.

Day 42

I met a new girl named Elizabeth tonight and I think she's the one. She seems a lot like me. I met her at a bar two hours ago. She broke up with her boyfriend about 6 hours beforehand. She found out he was cheating on her when she found clothes that weren't her's when they were, you know, woohooing. I know it seems a bit weird to fall for a girl that close on the rebound but she's perfect.

Day 43

As if every single cliche hasn't happened to me yet. I invited Elizabeth to my house today and we hit it off. We both really have strong feelings for each other. We were talking in the living room and she randomly stood up. She started to spin around and I new what would happen next. She was in new clothes, was a bit bigger, and felt her belly like they always do. She looked at me and ran away crying. If only she knew I still wanted to be with her even if she was pregnant with someone else's baby. Wow, that was gay. This is getting too serious for Illogicopedia. Fuck it, I'll continue.

Day 44

I looked up Elizabeth's address and drove there. I knocked on the door and there she was. All fat pregnant yet beautiful "beautiful" was a gay word to use in that instance. She was noticeably pregnant and didn't want to see me which is weird because I always want to see myself because I'm so beautiful. I gave her a long speech about how I didn't care if it wasn't my baby and how I loved her and blah blah blah gay stuff gay stuff gay stuff. She's now living with me and is due tomorrow. I wonder what it will be like having to raise a baby that's not mine.

Day 45

Elizabeth gave birth to a girl named Abby which I will have to refrain from calling "Flabby Abby" if she gets fat. I crack myself up. But now more importantly. I found out where Jason was and it's not for good reason. It turns out he's dating Mo'Nique. Yes. He's unknowingly dating his cousin because we decided not to tell Mo'Nique about her estranged cousin, Jason. I invited them over to my house for tomorrow to explain all of this. That's not gonna be fun.

Day 46

WHO WANTS TO SEE A BABY WITH 11 TOES? STEP RIGHT UP TO THE WILSON SHOW!!! As that opening sentence shows, Mo'Nique is one-day pregnant. She made the awkward transition while standing in front of me... after I explained that they were cousins. I'm gonna be a grandpa yet I'm not even an adult. I still want more kids of my own and I'm gonna be A GRANDPA. Why is my life so messed up? Elizabeth and I are still happy together and are officially getting married tomorrow.

Day 47

Our wedding was great... Not really. Mo'Nique showed up pregnant with Jason and everyone figured about the whole scandal. They're still gonna stay together which I don't understand. Mo'Nique is 20 and Jason is 25 so Jason will be a Young Adult a couple days before Mo'Nique which will be a very bad thing. My parents were there and they seemed tired but happy. Thank God no one gave birth at this wedding.

Day 48

We're expecting another! Elizabeth is pregnant again! Mo'Nique gave birth to a boy named Trenton which makes it awkward because they will have an aunt/uncle that's 4 days younger than them. It's gonna be great expanding from a family of four to five or however many kids I have. You're probably thinking right now that I have an odd obsession with pregnancy. You should stop thinking that right now. And don't be all like, "Well you didn't deny it".

Day 49

Elizabeth is now rockin' the mah-turn-nuh-tee clothes. She is the coolest person I've ever met (except for the one time I ran into Brendan Frazier at a McDonald's, he was freakin' awesome). Elizabeth was a bit angry that she couldn't go to work today even though she's only slightly pregnant and can still function but once again, I will not question the engine. She works as a scientist and does some weird ass shit at work... Wait that's in bed. ZIINNNGG!!!! High-five! Boom! Good night.

Day 50

One more day and I'll be a father of 6 and I'll also only be turning an adult in two days. I'm already a freakin' grandpa. Gotta love teenage pregnancy mods, eh? I'm now a level 5 in the criminal career in case you're wondering. I know it's illegal in all but it's a great way to make money. I do hope I have another boy.

Day 51

Yay!!! Say hello to my sixth child Connor. It's gggggrrreat. I'm no Tony the Tiger though. Elizabeth is happy and all of that shit. I feel more badass than Johnny Cochran did when O.J. was acquitted!

Day 52

For some reason the thought popped into my head that my parents are getting old and won't be around much longer. I went to visit them and stuff. They are frail and still taking care of Mo'Nique who is taking care of Trenton. I'm now a full-fledged adult and I don't feel much different. My life is already in order and I still have so much left to live! Miranda is gonna be a teen tomorrow and Jason will be a young adult tomorrow aswell. So will Sara. There are so many people it's hard to keep track of their ages(hence at the moment I have a notepad document that has everyone's birthdays and the age people "transition" at).

Day 53

I invited Jason and Sara over to our house for their birthday. Mo'Nique and Trenton came as well. It was awkward when he "grew up" because he could no longer show any displays of affection to his "baby mama" Mo'Nique. I honestly don't know what they're gonna do. Can they stay together? They're cousins so it would be weird if they did. I mean, they can't just shake it off and pretend it never happened. Jason told me he wants her to move in with him when she comes of age and to never tell Trenton about any of what happened. As far as he knows, Mo'Nique and Jason just met each other one day. I guess it's best. I mean it's the weirdest thing ever to date your cousin.

Day 54

I ran into Bon Qui Qui or "The Quister" (pronounced "quee-stur") as she now refers to herself as. She's still Santa's catchphrase. A hoe, hoe, hoe. Yeah, I'm hilarious. She just said "Hey Jeremiah" and passed out on the floor. I really don't care. It was kinda awkward. She hasn't seen any of us since she became a Young Adult.

Day 55

Estan muertes. That's "They're dead" in Spanish. My parents. Both of them. They both died of old age today. I'm still in shock. The grim reaper just came to their house and they begged and KABLAM! A tombstone was there. It would be badass if it didn't happen to my parents. Their funeral is scheduled for tomorrow. The whole family is coming. More people will probably show up too. I dunno.

Day 56

The funeral went... Well? If that isn't too sacrilegious. The guest list was this: Me, Elizabeth, Abby, Miranda, Connor, Jason, Mo'Nique, Trenton, Tamara, Melissa, Drake, Wayne (and like 30 other kids and she was pregzorz again), Bon Qui Qui, Phil and Sara. Everyone was sad except Tamara and all of her kids. They just wanted the free food. My parents lived long and prosperous lives. They got to see multiple grandchildren and a son who keeps a diary on Illogicopedia yet it is not illogic nor funny.

Day 57

The kids aren't all right. At least the ones living with me. Miranda is a teen and is doing well in school. Abby is a child and Connor is a child. Thank God I've finally settled down. My family tree is more fucked up than the octo-mom wanting more kids. Good analogy, eh? At least I'm not a grandpa.

Day 58

See? I'm not a grandpa. No where in that sentence does it imply I'm GOING TO BE a grandpa. Eh? Eh? Fuck. In case you couldn't tell I'm GOING TO BE a grandpa. Miranda is pregnant. She came home a bit early and fuckity fuck fuck fuck she was in maternity clothes. She just looked at me and said, "Dad... I'm sorry." It was all awkwardly cinematic, ya know? She's 24 days old which in Simland is still teenage years. Elizabeth is staying at her mother's for two days and she left before Miranda got home. I don't know how I'm gonna tell her. We have everything that the real world does EXCEPT abortions. OH NO! A SENSITIVE SUBJECT! I mean... I'd fuckin' Falcon Punch that baby outta there if I needed to.

Day 59

It's just so weird to see my own daughter waddling around like I've seen with so many of my wives/baby mamas. It just seems unreal. Thank God Elizabeth isn't pregnant or even here because I've had way too much cliche happenings in my life.

Day 60

If this is getting old, there are over 6000 other articles to read because guess fucking what I see strolling out of her car? Elizabeth on her last day or being pregzorz. I mean... How many times will this happen to me. Now I know what it was like to be in my dad's position. Well anyway, Miranda had twin boys and Elizabeth just had one boy as well. Miranda's are named Dominic and Matt and Elizabeth's is named Chris.

Day 61

Miranda is staying home from school today to take care of Dominic and Matt but Elizabeth is willing to quit her job but I think I'm going to instead considering she makes like 6 pay grades over me.

Day 62

I'm writing this from SimHeaven. I died. Here's how. We just got a pool built and I felt like going for a swim. I stuck my head underwater and when I came up, the entire pool was surrounded by couches. I was so freaked out. I tried to get out but... There was no conceivable way to get out of the pool. When my energy and hunger lowered, I sank to the bottom of the pool. I couldn't get up no matter how hard I tried. I hope that now I'm dead people will realize the legacy I've left behind. That I get people pregnant and people get pregnant around me. Oh, and I'm absolutely TERRIBLE with endings.