Egg Toast What?

Egg Toast What? is a damning story of a controversial character who spent his days rummaging through bins to find a prized possession of the Prime Minister's wig. Ernald Congoliton, wrote an essay which fully describes the rummaging skip man, who people believe is actually a group of activists (referred to as Tha Divaz) representing a colony from space, preparing to take over dustbin activity within the exact town of Hampshire.

It is now known that the exact location in which Congoliton wrote the essay, is in fact across the road from the most famous dustbin in Hampshire, located at Oxford Street. He found himself enraged when he realized that he spent all day looking for a 10p bargain in a local newsagents, only to find out that a man had claimed many more foodstuffs for free from outside in the skip. He demanded to see the manager of the shop, who prompted him to write Egg Toast What?, mainly because he wanted to go home for the day.

Congoliton went mad for a few years, writing prolifically until his notepad ran out of pages, and his wife walked in to find he was "continuing to write frantically on the table surface, not realizing". This caused a scene in the household, involving a tennis racket, a couple of pickles, and a collection of free Cliff Richard CDs. It became apparent to the neighbors that he was then proceeding to write on their walls in their gardens, various nonsensical quotes about 'existence and the terrible circumstances of his forefathers'.

Often cited in the local fanzines as 'an effort of magnitude not seen since Shakespeare wrote his instructions on how to shave', Egg Toast What? became a cult hit with underground writers, established critics, and even gained recognition from the security guard who now has a chair screwed to the wall of the shop where the event occurred. A non-profit company claimed it was 'in bad taste, like an egg toast shot', hence the namesake though with words changed to describe the contempt for the situation.

Many believe Congaliton latched onto the nearest negative event in his life, and that he was an average bloke who just wanted to find a light snack, and by others to reward himself for not punching his boss after the third martial arts festival involved him to be the punching bag 'for a whole 24 hours. I even had to stand there and pretend it didn't hurt. For a thirty pound pay rise with coffees charged from now on'

He started a website to show images of his neighbors walls, the dining table, and the diary in a gallery, displaying his various attempts at artwork in a desperate attempt to understand the incident which he found difficult to process inwardly. My Shopping Incident, attracted ten thousand visitors within a week, even though mostly claimed were from troll sites and intrigued young internet users, which encouraged Erland to post more of his writings.

In reference to the incident, Erland ran away with many descriptions of the event, and settled on a theory that there were a group of activists attempting to gain control of local bins. The so called Divaz are aptly named for diving into skips, and is unrelated to the connotation of female drama queens. But the name throws people off, and people assume they are cross dressers, but Tha Divaz stated they were actually 'middle aged men wearing wigs they found in a party store skip down the road that same day.'

Extra terrestrial activity was monitored closely by amateur HAM radio operators, noting that on several occasions the radio transmissions would be interrupted by 'parrot noises and banging sounds drumming away'. This automatically was posted forward to local alien experts, who confirmed that this was evidence of aliens existing. Meanwhile, a local radio station was running a publicity stunt to encourage people to use extermination businesses and eradicate the infestation of attics being overtaken by flying Belter-missle fish.

Often recalled by social media as a joke and referring to Ernald as a legend, Egg Toast What? caused memes to spring up online, each picture being sold in jest at 10p in reference. The document is not available any more, as the local library suspended Ernalds card in admission to administrative faults involving the legitimacy of his claims, such as 'an invasion imminent of cheap mouldy bread to be pumped out at rates more than drunken words of monkeys.' and 'toilets will be clogged with the bull butter of menaced mean faced party poppers, a guild to cause famine and torrential downpour of mistakes plenty to be absorbed through skull orifices'.

On January 12 2020, Ernald closed his website, replacing the home page with a picture of a mouldy orange pierced to a sandwich full of lettuce, with a flag pole depicting a space flag. No one has been able to contact him since, with many wondering if he is still alive, or 'in hibernation after writing so much in one go that sleep deprivation got the better of him'