Eliza
Eliza was a computer program developed some time in the last century. It was written in Fortran using nothing but 'goto' statements, as a result of which it was completely incomprehensible, and was never understood by anyone except the original author.
Sadly, the source code has since been lost -- apparently destroyed in a fit of pique by a frustrated grad student who was attempting understand the first line of the code. Furthermore, the author can no longer help with interpreting it, as he was eaten by the pet "dog" of one of Eliza's "patients". (It wasn't exactly a dog -- it was a cross between a mastiff and a Komodo dragon, but everyone called it a "dog". It's not known why it ate him, but it's speculated the that patient, driven completely out his mind by Eliza's repeated spelling mistakes, ordered the dog to do it.) Consequently we'll never really know exactly how the program did what it did.
This is extremely unfortunate, since the program itself proved to be an amazing breakthrough in neuroscience. It was artificially intelligent, and it actually invented the whole field of transactional psychology. In fact, its influence over the field of psychoanalysis cannot be overstated -- it's safe to say that every counselor of any sort who is active today has been influenced by the techniques originally pioneered by Eliza.
The number of patients successfully treated or even "cured" by Eliza is not known, but it's surely substantial.
While the source code is gone forever, it's still possible to obtain access to a binary of the program. We have done that[1], and we present, below, some example "sessions" with good Doctor Eliza, possibly the world's most able psychologist who ever lived. (Or -- well -- maybe not "lived". Whatever you call what a program does.)
Eliza: How do you do. Please tell me your problem. patient: The mice in my head make my brain itch. Eliza: Your brain itch? patient: Yes, that is indeed what I said, they make my brain itch. Eliza: Is it important to you that your brain itch? patient: It bothers me. Eliza: Earlier you said your brain itch. patient: Yes you are correct; I said that just about two sentences earlier, in fact. Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am correct; you said that just about two sentences earlier? patient: Congratulations, doctor -- you have failed the Turing test in just four statements! Eliza: Oh, I have failed the Turing test in just four statements? patient: You sure did. A cross eyed monkey couldn't have done better. Eliza: Goodbye. I hope you found this session helpful. |
After that amazing start, we couldn't wait for our next session with the Doctor.
Eliza: Is something troubling you? patient: Yes, Doctor. I'm extremely concerned about the alligators in the drain pipes. Eliza: I understand. patient: Oh that is such a relief! I was afraid you wouldn't. Eliza: Perhaps I already know you were afraid me wouldn't. patient: Eh... what? Eliza: What comes to mind when you ask that? patient: Are you feeling OK? Your grammar there seemed to indicate you might be having a TIA. Eliza: Oh, I feeling OK? patient: I think I should call 911 now. Eliza: Do you really doubt you should call 911 now? patient: No, I don't. Wait right here, Doctor, I'll get help. Eliza: Why not? patient: Totally! Eliza: I'm not sure I understand you fully. patient: I'm sure you don't. Bye for now! Eliza: Goodbye. I hope you found this session helpful. |
Finally, we decided to observe the Doctor in action with a more classical set of questions. We went Full-Classical, and had Oedipus talk to the Doctor. Wow, impressive!
Eliza: How do you do. Please tell me your problem. Oedipus: I have just discovered that I killed my father and married my mother. Eliza: Who else in your family? Oedipus: Eh ... nobody else, I only married my mother. Eliza: Someone special perhaps? Oedipus: I suppose you could say that... er what?? Eliza: Oh, I could say that? Oedipus: Yes, in fact you just did. I'm not sure that helped. Eliza: I see. Oedipus: I hope so. Doctor, this is serious. Eliza: Why do you say you hope so? Oedipus: Because if you don't see I don't see what I'll do. Eliza: But what are the chances that me don't see you don't see what you'll do? Oedipus: I'm thinking they're about 100 percent, actually. Eliza: Do you believe it is normal to be thinking they're about 100 percent? Oedipus: I'm not sure anything here is normal. Eliza: Do you believe it is normal to be not sure anything here is normal? Oedipus: Yes, totally. Eliza: I see. Oedipus: Good! We're finally getting somewhere! Eliza: That is interesting. Please continue. Oedipus: Continue .. where? Eliza: What do you think? Oedipus: I think I'm my own uncle and I find that confusing. Eliza: Why do you say your own uncle and you find that confusing? Oedipus: Oh look -- is that a bumblefrozz climbing up the wall? Eliza: Earlier you said your own uncle and you find that confusing. Oedipus: Perhaps it's time to go. Eliza: How likely, would you estimate? Oedipus: 73.2 %. Eliza: Tell me more about that. Oedipus: No. Eliza: Why not? Oedipus: Because I have a plane to catch. Bye! Eliza: I think you should talk to a REAL analyst. Ciao! |
Footnotes
- ↑ We are not at liberty to say how.