Emma Stone

Proof that Mountain Dew is a quality soda.

From walking on hot coals to running down the aisles at the supermarket, Emma Stone is proud to be housed entirely inside a can of soup.

Early life

As a child, Emma was confused by textbooks and bowling balls, but was still able to collect just enough empty soda cans to build an aluminum fort which was located in her backyard in order to keep out the waves of rabid beavers. Her town was very happy for her and they thanked her for doing such a good job of washing cabbages in a fish tank. Emma was proud of her accomplishments, but she also dreamed of the day when she would be able to remove all the water from the ocean and replace it with jewelry. It was only during her final years as a coffee machine did she realize how lucky it was to smell like wallpaper.

Professional life

Emma Stone can drop so low that her knees touch her elbows. Pick any road at random and Emma will be there to throw potatoes at you. People have suggested that Emma’s acting is rather wooden, but people need to remember that this is because she is mostly made out of wood. It is very difficult to not appear wooden when your blood is actually sap and your skin is actually bark. However, she is still talented at crossing her legs and slowly working a bowling ball down the back of a seafood restaurant. That is something that you can only get from years of sleeping with your windows open.

Personal life

While learning how to yodel in the shadow of a big mountain, Emma married her high school doorbell. No one has the courage required to give Emma her milk, so Emma is always forced to research new ways to process cheese. Because of this, she is often prowling on farms, looking for the best cow to squeeze extra hard. Once when she managed to obtain enough history, she started burning large amounts of plastic in the parking lot of a seafood restaurant. The restaurant owner soon put a stop to that, but you can still read about it in your favorite history book.