Fruitcakes

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Fruitcakes, you say? Sure, I'll tell you about fruitcakes. It's a lot to tell, though, so hunker down and grab yourself a lemon cherry smoothie, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

First off, fruitcakes are very dangerous things. They come into towns in the middle of the night and roam the streets, looking for loose women and children to kidnap and feed themselves to. This is a terrible, terrible crime that you should never do. Fruitcakes are horrible things to eat, but still they force themselves onto others to make them angry/sad/want to brush their teeth really, really hard.

What are fruitcakes made of Grandpa?[edit | edit source]

Horrible, horrible things. There are some advertisements on the radio that say they're delicious and made of rainbows or some really stupid things like that, but they LIIIIIIEEEEEEE. Take it from me, they are NOT made out of rainbows. At ALL. You're thinking of vegetablecakes, though to be fair, I think they lack the vital indigo.

Yes, Indigo. The most important ingredient to any foodstuff made of rainbows.

But I ramble, grandson. Please, you must control me when I start to do that.

Okay Grandpa[edit | edit source]

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO BOY OR I WILL WHIP YA AGAIN

AGAIN I SAY

AGAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNN

So anyway these fruitcakes are horrible terrible abysmal hasseloffal things that you should avoid at all costs. You know who makes fruitcakes? The french. And you don't want to be like the french do you?

What kind of French?[edit | edit source]

Not the French Dip French. And CERTAINLY not the French Bread French. Oh god no. I'm talking about the French Kiss French.

Eeeeeww![edit | edit source]

Yes, kissing! Kissing is disgusting, right Grandson? I couldn't agree more. Kissing got me into one hell of a jam early in my life, just when I was your age. I'm telling you, kissing is really bad, don't do it too much or you'll be having six children by the time you're twelve.

...Grandpa[edit | edit source]

Oh yeah, I'm starting to ramble again. Sorry about that Billy.

My name is Charlie[edit | edit source]

Whatever, Andy.

Anyway, the French are terrible people who make terrible foods. Fruitcakes aren't the only deadly foods made by the French. Watch out for croissants too, those will kill you real good. However, they are not as bad because they are made out of flaky, risen wheat, whereas fruitcakes are made of LIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Horrible, lightly toasted lies.