Hitler Claus

Not to be confused with Hitler Claws.

Hitler Claus, as the evil twin of the infamous Satan Claus, was notorious for a brutal occupation of Toyland in the 1940's which was to lead to the worst war the world has ever known.

Unlike Satan Claus, whose mission is to trick greedy little brats into selling their souls for worthless Christmas trinkets, the mission of the hated Hitler Claus was nothing less than world domination.

Reichstag fire

The Hitler Claus saga begins at the Reichstag, then a house built of Yule logs and Tannenbaum, which was destroyed by fire at the beginning of the conflict. Hitler Claus (and his minister of propaganda, the Grinch) would have you believe that the fire was set by Communists to prevent Christmas from coming. Nothing could be further from the truth; many elves were to see none less than Hitler Claus himself bound from the chimney and fly away into the night as soon as the huge Yuletide fire was set, laughing like a bowl of jelly.

Clearly, the evil Hitler Claus had a plan. He immediately drafted a Reichstag Fire Decree, by which all of his political enemies would be put onto the naughty list, buried under mountains of coal and ultimately eliminated... but the evil of the Hitler Claus régime did not end there.

Invasion of Toyland

Hitler Claus had had a wonderfully awful idea, by which he would invade neighbouring countries under the pretext of needing space to store his toys. Initially, his evil met with only limited opposition and the Hitler Claus experiment in blitzkreig ran unchecked until he went too far and invaded North Poland, a site where he intended to build his evil workshop.

North Poland had military alliances with England and this meant thousands of Paddington bears were soon marching off to war. Model aircraft were mobilised as much of 1940 would be spent chasing the evil Hitler Claus and his sled out of the skies over London. The conflict would only escalate as Hitler Claus made the key blunder of attacking Russia, a land guarded by Peter and the Wolf, during one brutally-cold Russian winter.

Worse yet, one of Hitler Claus' accomplices had made the mistake of sinking the Americans' rubber ducks and many of their toy boats. The cry of "remember Pearl Harbour" reverberated in the West just as Operation Nutcracker was mobilising to rid Toyland of the tyranny of a Hitler Claus Christmas in the east.

Slave labour

The Hitler Claus tyranny had been unprecedented in the modern world. Hitler Claus' slave labour camp, dishonestly adorned with the slogan "work makes you free", was to serve only as the destination of a macabre network of model railroad trains used to transport kidnapped elves from across Toyland to slavery and ultimately death. The working conditions in the camp were wretched and the quality of the manufactured toys began to suffer as many were delivered covered in the blood and tears of the oppressed elves. Easy Bake ovens were filled to overflowing with the remains of Hitler Claus' yuletide enemies as naughty lists of those slated for torture and extermination grew to lengths heretofore unprecedented. "Yes, Mr. Scrooge" the evil Hitler Claus would laugh, "the prisons and the workhouses are indeed all still in operation".

Soon, conditions were close to revolt; the elves, unwilling to watch as Hitler Claus continued to destroy Christmas, rebelled by claiming that they no longer believed in a Christmas at all while lighting menorah and celebrating Hannukah. Hitler Claus was furious and killed millions of elves in cold blood to extract his vengeance.

Downfall

As the horrors of what Hitler Claus was doing to the holiday season became widespread, toy soldiers began to mobilise from both East and West to destroy the evil of a Hitler Claus Christmas. Model aircraft rained down fire from the heavens on Adolf the Blue-Eyed Reindeer and his master, the diabolical Hitler Claus, destroying his villages and shattering his sleds to no-longer-airworthy bits. While toy soldiers flooded into the western lands on D-Day, the Russians under the leadership of Peter and the Wolf were mobilising in the East as part of the massive Operation Nutcracker. The Russian forces would ultimately prove so numerous as to be unstoppable, as inside every Russian doll was a smaller doll, and inside that yet more dolls, continuing to infinity.

Hiding in his miserable bunker surrounded by this infinite number of Russian adversaries, the evil Hitler Claus was to take his own life; his wretched carcass was set alight in the fireplace and the ashes thrown into a river. Toyland was to be liberated.

Aftermath

The minions and accomplices of the evil Hitler Claus were placed onto the naughty list by a special court at Nuremberg. Virtually all of them were ultimately sent to Hell, where their last words before being consumed by fire and burning sulphur were "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas".

The surviving elves were to establish their new homelands in Bethlehem, Nazareth and Jerusalem, far from the killing fields of the recently-ended wars.

Under the Marshall Plan, meanwhile, massive quantities of Lego and Meccano were deployed to rebuild the ruins of what was once Toyland and construct a prosperous common market for all.

A cold war between the victorious powers was to continue until the late 1980's, when it would be ended by global warming. Its victor, Frosty the Snowman, would be found comfortably ensconced in a particularly snowy valley on the Canada-Alaska border, relaxing in a luxurious Canadian igloo.

Conclusion

He knows when Jews are asleep. He know when they're awake. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!