Horse Whiskers

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They're the four legged quadrupeds. You know the ones. The ones with the silly faces, muscle legs, and ludicrous tails. They're like dogs, but bigger and smoother. They'd make good house pets if you had a bigger house. They'd make great butlers if they had hands and were more courteous about where they leave their anal grass surprises. Horses are okay. I really don't have strong feelings regarding horses one way or another. But I can tell you one thing, horses need more whiskers. Look, I've seen horse before, so don't try and call my bluff. I know what horses are. I think I just described them well enough to get you on my side regarding that. They're medium sized. Often brown. Not as big as elephants, but definitely browner than elephants. But they don't have whiskers. Maybe they do, but what ever whiskers they have don't play a big enough role on their ridiculous faces to make them a defining feature. Cats have whiskers, and their whiskers are great. Let's get horses some serious whiskers. If a horse has whiskers, they're probably akin to the pubic hair I had when I was twelve. Whispers in the wind, a few odd strands which stand both gentle and brittle. Unsubstantial.


I've made my point clear. Horses need better whiskers. I haven't thought this part through yet, but I'm absolutely hell bent on getting horses to have better whiskers. I've done my fair share of body hair relocation. One time I was Austin Powers for halloween, and my chest hair is... again... whispers in the wind. A sorry carpet. So I shaved my armpits and used superglue to attach my armpit hair to my chest. I have made better decisions in my life, but I have also made worse. Like that time I showed up to a job interview and answered every question with, "That's a great question, let me jam my fist into this jar of mayonnaise." before jamming my fist into a jar of mayonnaise and lathering the white sloppy glory all over my face.

So what I'm implying is we should find already existing whiskers and fix them to the faces of horses with super glue. I'm sure some creature in the animal kingdom would sacrifice its whiskers for the plight of the horse. My money's on the catfish.