Hot pepperano and bean salad

"Smooth and delightful, the salty texture of a nuclear warhead" they'd said it would be. Or rather lied. And now there's no trace of anything smooth and delightful with half of my brain been burned to a crisp with electric shocks and muscles permanently damaged by straitjacket punishment......

Hi me (assumed) name is Jimbob. I am an escapee of military experimentation. I put these words down in the hope that they may serve as a warning to the world.

There was an evil scientist named von Shicklegruber who force fed me hot pepperano n' bean salad, and gave me Nikolayev through a nose drip whenever I refused. God, stinky is too less powerful a word for the state of the room.

But one day I'd decided I'd escape from the inhuman clutches of secret service. I was given transparent plastic bags to piss into which were not removed for days to attenuate my torture. I had a plan in connection with these bags. I started asking for more hot pepperano n' bean salad, and ate them willingly. Initially von Shicklegruber was a little suspicious (may his soul burn in hell!) but nevertheless he didnt notice the inflated balloons.

And then one fateful day 2 weeks after I started, von Shick came inside to start my cigarette torture again. This time he didnt care to put me in a straitjacket. Just when he was about to touch his infernal cigarrette to my skin I deftly snatched it from him and set a balloon on fire.

When the dust cleared the conrete walls were broken to pieces and von Shick lay dead on the floor. I kicked his body one last time, before running off into the sandy expanse.

The sun was hot, but oh the feeling of freedom.

Right now I'm living in a big city . My life is all happiness now except for one thing.

My ass never stops belching forth gas. Anyone reading this has been warned about what is so evil about hot pepperano and salad...